


Backseat Serenade

by disloyalorderoftrash



Category: Bandom, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, elements of religion bashing, i hate having to use homophobia in my stories but that's just the shitty world we live in, some angst but mostly it's cute and pure, some mentions of suicidal thoughts if look closely but nothing serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-15 20:35:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7237468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disloyalorderoftrash/pseuds/disloyalorderoftrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>your average high school AU: tyler is thrown out by his homophobic parents, josh offers him asylum at his house, where tyler stays for a while. josh definitely doesn't fall in love with him because he is  s t r a i g h t. there's a band contest and they're members of rivaling bands. there's a party. some relationship drama. words written on converse. singing in cars. and a happy ending</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to my friend who forced me to keep writing this, thanks for enduring my rants, i would've given up without your support. ur cool. (and to josh dun because it's his birthday today and also for existing in general)  
> hope you enjoy this, dear reader

### I

Josh was practising the drum solo for one of their band's song when his phone rang. Slightly annoyed, he put down the drumsticks, hoping that whoever it was had a good reason to interrupt him during practice. There was not much time he valued as much as the daily hour his parents allowed him to play the drums. He could be so much better of a player if he just had more time to learn it, but his parents and the neighbors objected to the so-called noise. 

He immediately forgot his worries when he saw that the caller ID showed his best friend's name. 

“Hey! What's up?” 

“Hi Josh... it's me, Tyler...” His voice sounded strangely choked. 

“I know. Are you crying?” 

Tyler didn't answer his question, possibly because the answer was obvious. “I need your help, please. I already called Spence, but he wasn't at home and... please...” 

“What's even going on?”, Josh asked, confused. 

“My parents kicked me out.” 

That silenced Josh for a moment. “Oh. Wow. Why?” 

“Can I just come over, please? I'll tell you, but I need a place to stay now, I need to get out of here.” 

Josh took a deep breath. “Of course. Come over. You're going to sleep here too, right?” 

“Yes. If that's not... I guess I could ask someone else if that's a problem, but...” 

“No, no, it's no problem at all.” He just had to tell his parents, but he didn't really what they had to say to Tyler sleeping at their house or not, since it was going to happen anyway. He needed support right now, so Josh was going to help him. Period. 

“See you in a couple minutes, then”, Tyler said, sounding a little calmer than before. 

“See you.” Josh was about to end the call, when a thought suddenly came to his mind. “You're not going to drive, are you?” 

“I don't even have a car, Josh.” It sounded like he was almost laughing. 

“Oh. Right. Good. Because I don't want you driving around in a state like this.” 

“Sweet, dude. No worries. I'm walking.” 

“Okay. Good. Bye.” 

“Bye.” 

Since he apparently wouldn't have any more time to play today, Josh carefully put away his drumsticks and covered the drumset to protect it, then piled the sheet music. This was the only part of his room he took care of; the rest was a mess of clothes in different colors lying on the floor, scattered school books and important pieces of paper that he never found when he needed them. 

His room was small, but he knew that there was enough room for a second mattress on the floor beside his bed. It took him five minutes to find an inflatable mattress by digging through the mess inside his drawers and another five until he had figured out how to inflate it. 

By the time the doorbell rang, he had prepared everything Tyler would need for sleeping. He sprinted towards the door, yelling “Mom, it's Tyler, he's sleeping here today”- He didn't hear her answer, but he didn't actually care for it. He was just stating the facts, Tyler was sleeping here today, no questions. 

Josh opened the door to let his friend in. Suddenly Tyler was there on the doorstep, eyes red and swollen, a complete mess. Without stopping to think Josh hugged him tight. Tyler rested his forehead against Josh's shoulder. He was shaking, feeling small and vulnerable in Josh's arms. “Thanks for letting me in”, he whispered. 

“Hey, hey, no problem”, Josh said, concerned. “You're my friend. I'm always there for you, you know that.” This seemed to break a dam in Tyler and he began to cry again. In a slightly awkward attempt to be comforting Josh ran his fingers through the other boy's soft hair. 

When he had calmed down a bit, Josh made him sit down on the bed. “I'll make you some tea”, he said, “I'll be back in a minute.” His mother always said tea was a medication to every disease of the soul, which Josh usually didn't quite believe, but there was no harm in trying. 

Indeed, Tyler immediately looked considerably calmer when he was holding the large cup between his hands and staring down at its contents suspiciously. “This isn't poison, is it?” 

He was already joking again! Good. Josh laughed. “No, it's not. I'll drink some of it if you don't believe me.” 

“No, this time I'm trusting you. And if it is poison I hope it will cause an immediate and painless death.” Tyler lifted it to his lips and took a large sip. 

“Um. Uh. I hope not.” This joke was not going a way he liked. Tentatively, he asked, “So... what happened?” What had he done to make his parents so angry? He rarely failed classes. Had he crashed their car? Been caught with drugs? 

No answer. 

“Tyler? Why did your parents kick you out?” 

He sniffed. “Promise me you won't hate me”, he said, voice trembling. 

“Of course not! I promise. How could I ever hate you?” Unless he had killed a man or something... no, even if that was the case, Josh would probably still help him bury the body. 

“I told them I...” Tyler broke off, gaze fixed on his tea and avoiding Josh's eyes. 

“Yes?” 

“I think... I think I'm...” He looked up, his eyes suddenly filled with fire. “Fuck it. Fuck it all. I like boys. I'm gay. So, you're free to be disgusted now and...” His temporary fit of energy seemed to leave him again and he whispered, “Just like them.” 

“Oh. Oh god. I'm sorry they reacted like that, I'm so sorry.” 

“That's all? You don't hate me or... think I'm a disgusting sinner or...” 

“No! I just said I could never hate you, and I meant it, especially not for something like that. It doesn't make _any_ difference to me. You're still my friend, you're the same person you were before.” 

For a moment Josh was worried that Tyler was going to start crying again, but he seemed to pull himself together. “Thanks”, he said quietly. “I also think so, when others are, but... it's kind of... I don't know, and my parents, with their religion and all, and they... said all those things and..” He fell silent again. “Sorry I'm not making any sense.” 

“No, it's okay. Don't listen to your parents.” He put his arm around Tyler's shoulders again, trying to think of a way to comfort him, but he was lost for words. He wasn't sure if there was anything he could say to make it better. “Just so you know, I'm always there for you if you need to talk about something, and I accept you unconditionally. Okay?” 

“Thanks again. I don't deserve you.” 

“You deserve all the love in the world”, Josh said firmly. 

A moment of silence. 

“So, uh, do you... want to watch a movie or something?”, he asked. 

“Netflix and chill?”, Tyler joked, a weak grin on his face. 

“Hey, I'm still straight! At least I think so, I mean. Um. I.. yes. It's been a while since I last saw Fight Club. How about you?” 

“Yeah, me too. That would be nice. Let's watch Fight Club.” 

They changed into pajamas, Tyler borrowing some from Josh because he hadn't brought any clothes, and watched the DVD on Josh's sticker-covered laptop, huddled together on the bed in the dark room. Although Josh didn't quite like to admit it, feeling the presence of another person next to him was a welcome change after all the nights alone with his laptop. It was something he could get used to. 

Halfway through the movie, Tyler fell asleep, head resting against Josh's shoulder. When he noticed that the other boy was no longer watching, he closed the laptop and stood up to put it on his desk, careful not to wake Tyler up. 

After a moment of consideration, he dismissed the idea of going to sleep on the mattress on the floor, and he climbed into the bed next to his sleeping friend. He lay down, listening to Tyler's slow, even breaths, until he began to drift off himself. Half-asleep, his arm instinctively reached out to wrap itself around Tyler's waist and pull him closer. 

***

The next morning Josh woke abruptly, blinded by sudden light. 

“I think your alarm clock didn't go off, I had to wake you up”, his mom said apologetically, standing next to the now open curtains. She then looked at the bed and her jaw dropped. 

“Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know... um, just make sure you get to school in time.” She almost fled the room. 

Josh smiled at Tyler next to him, who still looked like he was struggling to grasp for his full conscience. 

“Hi Josh, why are we sleeping in the same...” 

He could almost read Tyler's thoughts in his expression, seeing the exact moment realization dawned on him and he went from confused but happy to sad again. “Fuck”, he whispered. “My parents...” 

“What day is today?”, Josh asked, trying to sound cheerful. 

“It's Friday, I think.” 

“Let's skip the first few periods”, he suggested. “It's just history.” He knew that the lawful part of Tyler was going to object, but he gave in surprisingly easily. 

“Yeah.” 

“Nice.” 

Outside of his room on the way to the bathroom Josh ran into his mom. 

“Why didn't you tell me you two are dating?” 

“What? We're not... what the hell makes you think that?” 

“Oh, come on.” She looked at him dismissively. “You were sleeping in the same bed...” 

“Friends can do that, you know”, he interrupted her. 

“... and I saw the look you gave him when you woke up. I'm your mother, you can't fool me. I have the sixth sense for that kind of thing.” 

“But really, we're just...” 

“You don't need to keep it secret if you're afraid of us not accepting you. We all love you unconditionally, no matter who you love.” 

“That's nice, mom, really, but we're not dating”, Josh said fiercely. "And I'm straight." 

She still looked sceptical. “Okay then. I'll still make you breakfast, right?” 

“Thanks, mom. Oh, and he's probably going to stay here a little longer, is that okay? He has trouble with his parents and can't go home.” 

“Oh, um..” Josh hesitated but figured it was safe to tell her. It would probably be common knowledge soon anyway. “They kicked him out for being gay.” 

He could literally see the suspicions on her mind return when he said it. She raised an eyebrow. 

“But really, mom, we're not...”, he hurried to say. 

“Sure.” She turned around. “I won't tell anyone”, she called over her shoulder before closing the kitchen door behind her. Josh looked at the closed door and sighed. 

***

When he and Tyler entered the kitchen ten minutes later, his mother gave them a meaningful glance and said, “I'm going to leave the two of you alone, right?” 

“Sure, mom”, Josh said, rolling his eyes. “We're not going to miss you _that_ much.” 

“Did she just wink at you?”, Tyler asked in confusion when she had left the room. “Why?” 

“My mom is weird”, Josh declared. 

“Well, I'd gladly exchange parents”, Tyler mumbled. 

“Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...” 

“No problem, man, it's okay. Do you have a coffee machine? I'm going to die if I don't get any caffeine.” 

“Yeah, over there.” 

Josh watched Tyler fidget with the machine, illuminated by the warm morning light. He was still wearing Josh's clothes and humming to himself, a song Josh didn't recognize. He thought that probably, at some point in the future, Tyler would be standing in another boy's kitchen, wearing his pajamas and giving him that lovely smile of his. The mental image almost made him jealous. 

A shame Josh himself liked girls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll probably update more often than once a week in the future, but this week was just so busy, everything was happening so much and also i'm still crying over the brexit... anyway. i hope you like this and stick around for the next chapters

### II

They drove to school together in Josh's battered old van. On the way, they decided to stop by McDonald's. 

“We're gonna be late for school”, Tyler complained. 

“We're late anyway. I don't care. I want a McFlurry. I'm even going to share it with you, doesn't that sound nicer than math?” 

“Yeah, okay, right”, he gave in. “But only if you buy the Oreos one.” 

“What a nice coincidence”, Josh grinned. “That's my favorite one anyway.” 

The woman in the drive-thru gave them a look that clearly asked “aren't you guys supposed to be at school?”, but they ignored it. 

“One Oreo McFlurry, please”, Josh ordered, while Tyler gave him thumbs-up. 

“One?”, she asked. 

Josh gasped dramatically, as if a realization had hit him, and he turned around to Tyler. “Do you think our manliness will survive it if we share a spoon and our saliva touches? Or should we just order two?” 

“Nah, don't have the money for that. I think if we say no homo after it should be alright”, Tyler mused. 

“Great.” He turned around again. “Yes, just one, please.” 

The woman was watching them with a mixture of confusion and amusement. “Have a nice day.” 

“You too”, Josh said sincerely, and Tyler nodded as they left the otherwise empty drive-thru. 

***

Against better judgement, they didn't immediately drive to school but deliberately went a long way round through the city. Tyler turned up the radio and laughed at Josh's poor attempts at singing along to the song that was playing. 

“Hey, stop laughing”, Josh said indignantly. He knew he had a bad singing voice, but still. “You're not allowed to unless you do it better first.” 

“I hate singing in front of people”, Tyler said absent-mindedly, eyes focused on the empty street ahead of them. 

“Oh, please, I'm sure your voice is nice.” 

He smiled. “Thanks, but.. I don't know, I just don't like it. Maybe I will sing for you someday, okay? Not today.” 

“Do you promise?” Josh stared at him, trying his best not to smile and failing miserably. 

“Yes, but only if you _look at the goddamn street now_. Your driving style is making me nervous.” 

“Chill, there's no one around, nothing's gonna happen. Just because you drive like a ninety-year-old Christian lady...”, Josh said, but he obeyed. Then he started grinning. “You just promised me you will -” 

“I am aware of that”, Tyler interrupted him. “I think it's actually a good idea to practise that with someone I trust”, he added thoughtfully. “Because I might have to sing in front of people in the future.” 

“What? Why?” Josh asked, hoping it wasn't too obvious that Tyler calling him “someone I trust” made him feel strangely euphoric. 

“Oh, I just mean, if I still want to put my songs out into the world... right now I'm writing them for our band and I don't have to sing myself, but I guess that band won't last after graduation, so either I find someone who's willing to sing my words or I have to sing myself. Or I don't at all and just, like, get some boring regular job, but that would feel wrong because I think I have something to say and I don't just want to keep it silent, you understand?” Tyler was speaking quickly now. 

“Yeah, definitely.” 

“I don't know, I mean, they're probably not even good, they're probably bad, but I feel like it could be helpful for people who go to similar struggles, right?” 

“Yes, that's true. And I'm sure that they're everything but bad.” 

“You haven't heard any of my songs yet”, Tyler said doubtfully. “You can't know it.” 

“Yeah, but I know you.” Josh looked at Tyler for a split second, smiling. “I know you're great and talented. And besides, are you the only one who writes the songs for your band?” 

“Yeah. Brendon and Patrick take turns singing because they're both good and can't decide who's better, but when it comes to writing lyrics, they both have, no offense, but they don't have any talent.” Tyler giggled. “I actually shouldn't be telling you this. Brendon hates it when people find out about his weaknesses, especially when it's a member of your band. The _enemy_.” 

“Wow, he does take this very seriously, doesn't he?” Josh shook his head. “It's just a dumb contest.” 

“Well, it is kind of serious. The winner gets a record deal”, Tyler argued. 

“Okay, true, but still.” 

“I guess Brendon got so worked up about the entire rivals thing because he's been having some problems with his parents. They won't let him study music, so this deal is his one big chance.” 

“He's got problems with his parents too? You two should start a club. Or move in together.” 

“Are you trying to get rid of me, bro?” Tyler laughed, but it sounded forced. 

Josh cast a quick glance at him and immediately wished he could take his words back. Tyler looked a little sadder than before. Maybe it had been too early to mention his parents, maybe, if Josh just knew how to shut up sometimes... “No. Of course not. I'm sorry, I didn't mean...” 

“Nah, it's okay. Anyway, I'd probably kill myself if I lived with Brendon. Or kill him”, Tyler continued. “I like him, but he's nerve-wracking to be around. After every band practice I have to lay down for two hours because he talks so much.” 

“I know what you mean.” Josh had some classes together with Brendon, and even though he was nice, it was incredibly hard to get him to shut up. 

“By the way, want some flurry?”, Tyler asked, offering him the cup. 

“Yes, of c... are you fucking kidding me? It's almost empty. Did you eat _all of that_?” 

“You didn't try to stop me”, he said, looking only slightly guilty. 

Josh rolled his eyes. “I hate you. Can I have what's left, at least?” 

“Of course”, Tyler said. When Josh made an attempt to reach for the ice cream, he warningly added, “No, you keep your hands on that steering wheel, boy. I don't want to die today.” 

“Glad to hear that, but how am I supposed to...” 

“Open your mouth”, Tyler commanded. “No homo though”, he added quickly. “Just in case.” 

Josh laughed, trying to avoid the spoon full of ice cream that was hovering in front of his face. “This is even more distracting, if you do that I'll crash the car for sure - stop, Tyler, stop!” 

He hit the brakes suddenly and the car came to a halt in the middle of the empty street. Tyler was laughing uncontrollably. “Josh, look in the mirror, you should see your face.” 

“I hate you. I really do.” He carefully drove the car to one side of the street and parked it. Then he looked at himself in the mirror and burst out laughing too. The ice cream Tyler had tried to feed him was spread on his entire face, not just around his mouth, but on his nose and cheeks as well. 

“It's... it's not – even that – funny”, Tyler managed to force out, still laughing hysterically, before collapsing into another fit of giggles. It took them a while to calm down, until Josh dug through his pockets for a handkerchief and finally cleaned the McFlurry off his face. Tyler was watching him, looking pensive. 

“Thanks”, he suddenly said, out of the blue. 

“For the flurry? You're paying the next time”, Josh replied dryly. 

“No, I mean in general. For letting me stay with you. I was so fucking desperate yesterday after that thing happened, if I'd had pills or something I...” He took a deep breath. “No. Forget that. Anyway, I haven't really thought about my parents for almost three hours. And I'm mostly okay again, at least for now. Which I owe to you. So. Thanks.” 

“No problem.” He didn't need to say more than that. 

***

“There's no way I'm missing band practice!”, Josh said. 

I don't want to go.” 

“Two hours ago you were the one who wanted to go to school.” 

“Well, I tasted the freedom and it changed my mind”, Tyler said, managing to look completely serious. 

Josh tried to suppress a smile. “Shut up. That's great for you, but _I_ need to go. The band's going to fall apart without me. Mind you, they're already falling apart _with_ me.” 

“But I -” 

“No. No argument. We're going.” 

With a sigh, Tyler gave in. 

***

When Josh entered the practice room a few minutes too late, he could almost taste the tension in the air. “Not again”, he muttered to himself. 

Ryan and Pete were sitting on opposite chairs with their arms crossed and the same stubborn expression on theor faces, staring each other down. Gabe was standing next to them helplessly. 

“Oh, hey, Josh!”, he greeted him, sounding relieved. 

“Hi, Gabe. What's up?” 

“They're arguing about lyrics again”, he sighed. “Ryan said he wants more responsibility. And now they're basically just arguing about which of them is the better writer, as always. They both think they're better, and...” 

“They can hear you, Gabe”, Ryan called without averting his eyes from his opponent. 

Josh rolled his eyes. This very same argument repeated itself in different variations almost every week. If he had to pick one thing he hated most about the band, it would be how much their performance depended on Pete and Ryan's relationship. On good days, it was all butterflies and passion and on-stage chemistry so strong they almost outshone the singer. On bad days, however, they were argumentative and destructive, usually dragging the entire band into their conflict. 

The problem was that the bad days outweighed the good ones by far. Josh would bet anything that they would be found making out heatedly in the car after practice and tomorrow everything would be fine, until it suddenly got worse again after a few days. There were never in-betweens with them. They were an endless circle of rehab and relapse. In Josh's opinion it was anything but healthy. 

“That's ridiculous”, Pete was saying right now, eyes narrowed. “It doesn't need to be changed, it's good the way it is and you have written enough of the lyrics.” “But you -” 

“Stop, stop, stop, guys”, Gabe interrupted him, exasperated. “This argument isn't going anywhere.” 

“No, I actually wanted to talk about this too. I don't think Gabe is suited to sing my songs. Do you even understand what they're about?”, Ryan said, every word dripping with venom. 

Josh cringed. This was his clue to step in. “Honestly, Ryan, do you even listen to yourself? You're being a fucking arrogant asshole. Don't bring Gabe into this just because you two are having a bad day.” 

“Leave him alone, Josh, I don't care”, Gabe said tiredly. “Sometimes I don't even know why I'm still in this trainwreck of a band”, he added, more to himself. 

“Listen, can we just drop this, have our practice and talk about it later?”, Josh asked desperately. “We just have three more weeks until the contest.” 

With a few more hateful glances towards each other, Ryan and Pete stood up to unpack their instruments while Josh sat down at the drumset so they could finally start. 

They played through most of their own songs and a few covers. Technically, it was not a bad practice; nobody made major mistakes or screwed up a solo. But Josh could still feel the argument poisoning the atmosphere. It was in the way they didn't look at each other more than necessary, in the harsh words and cold glances. If they were going to play like that in the contest, no one would cheer for them, let alone choose them as the winner. By the time they were packing up, Josh was glad he could finally get away from all the negative energy. 

“Hey, Josh, are you coming to my party next Friday?”, Gabe called after Josh as he was about to leave. 

“Depends. Can I bring someone?”, he replied, turning around. 

“Ohh, _someone_?” Gabe raised an eyebrow suggestively. “Did I miss some new development?” 

“No, no, just a friend”, Josh mumbled. 

“Sure. The more people, the better! Gonna be sick”, Gabe said, grinning like a kid on christmas. 

“Of course”, Josh said. Hopefully, this party, unlike Gabe's last house party, would go by without an unwelcome visit from the police.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe, if you like this for some reason, if you could leave kudos and/or a comment, that would be really nice. enjoy  
>  ~~i think it's terrible and i hate myself but whatever lmao~~  
>  **trigger warning:** homophobia, conflict with religion

### III

“Brendon called me out for arriving with you and accused me of befriending the enemy.” 

“Wow. You were right when you said he takes this too seriously, weren't you?” 

“I told him that he's ridiculous. But yeah. Yeah, he does. He keeps watching your band members in school. He has a weird fixation with Ryan. I think he considers him dangerous.” 

“Oh. Well, he is. For our own band's well-being. We're completely fucked every time he and Pete have an argument. Which is like every other day.” 

“They're dating, aren't they?” 

“Yes. Isn't that common knowledge?” 

“I guess. But I wasn't sure.” Tyler hesitated. “Has there ever been, you know... hate or something? Because, I mean, we don't get that many... gay couples. And...” 

“No, I can't remember. Not in our band, for sure. Maybe in school, but I don't think so. They're just so, I don't know, open and unapologetic about it, you can't really insult them or anything. For example, if someone calls Pete a faggot he's just like, hell yeah I am. It's boring for bullies.” 

“Oh. Okay.” He looked relieved, in a way. 

“Don't worry about that”, Josh said. “You're good. You're great the way you are. There's nothing wrong with you. Don't worry.” 

“That's easier said than done.” 

“I know.” 

***

When Josh returned from the shower that evening, hair still wet and wearing only a towel, he found Tyler sitting on the floor of his room, clutching his phone, eyes obviously reddened. 

“Oh, shit. Are you alright?” Josh sat down on the bed and looked at his friend in concern. 

“Yes.” 

“You aren't.” 

“No”, he sighed. 

“What happened?” 

“You're not wearing anything. Can you get dressed?”, Tyler almost pleaded. 

“What... yes, sure.” 

“It's just that I don't want to... look at you in _that_ way”, he mumbled. “I mean, I don't want you to think I'm doing that. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.” 

“But I'm not”, Josh said, confused. “I don't care. And I wouldn't think that, anyway. You're my friend, right? As I said, it doesn't change anything for me. I meant it.” 

Tyler didn't answer. 

“I'm going to get dressed if you want me to though, sure.” He grabbed his pajamas and turned around to put them on. “So, what happened?”, he asked over his shoulder. 

“I called my brother and... oh fuck, why did all of this happen? Why am I like this? I hate it, I hate it so much.” He sounded so angry it scared Josh. 

“It's okay, it's okay. Calm down.” He sat down next to Tyler, putting one arm around his shoulders. 

“No, it's not. It's never going to be okay. Why can't I just like girls like everyone else, goddamn?” 

“Honestly, I promise you, you're going to be happy with it one day, okay?” Josh tried not to let his desperation show through his words. It was devastating to see his friend like this. “If you don't, I owe you a snickers.” 

Tyler giggled. “Make it a full meal at Taco Bell and I'm in on the deal.” 

“Okay”, Josh agreed. “Since I'm never going to have to buy it anyway because I will win the bet.” 

“We'll see.” Maybe he was imagining it, but he thought that Tyler looked a little less sad than before. 

“So what did your brother say? Unless you don't want to talk about it.” 

His expression immediately darkened. “I asked about my parents and he said he had tried to talk to them about it, about me, but they simply... refused to listen. They said they wouldn't accept any excuses when he told them it wasn't my fault and I hadn't chosen to be like this. God, they should know that. I never would have chosen it.” He laughed bitterly. “But apparently they won't let me move in unless I change my mind and become _normal_ again.” His voice softened. “My siblings are supportive, though, he said. Maybe they can convince my parents, and even if they can't, it's still good to know that not my entire family hates me. And he said he will bring me my clothes and stuff if I tell him where I am, so I gave him your address.” 

“That's good! I'm sure your parents will come to their senses too.” 

“Maybe they're right”, he said quietly. 

“If I have to tell you one more time that they're not and that you're okay the way you are....” 

“But in the Bible...” 

“Oh, forget what the Bible says! Honestly? Those parts were written ages ago, in another time. Everything has changed since. You can't apply ancient rules to our time. And as far as I know, Jesus himself never said a single word about homosexuality, and personally, I don't believe he would have had any problem with it. Right?” 

“Okay...” He still seemed hesitant, but less and less convinced that he had to hate himself. 

“It's okay to be gay”, Josh said and laughed. “That sounds dumb. Please remember it.” 

“I'll try”, Tyler said and smiled. “Thanks for being there for me, Josh. I don't know what I would be doing without you.” 

“Again, no problem.” 

“Sorry I'm such a bother.” 

“You're not, you're never. Okay? You're great. No objections”, he said when Tyler opened his mouth to speak. 

“Okay.” 

“Let's go to sleep now.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” 

They turned off the light and climbed into their respective beds – Josh in his own, Tyler on the mattress on the floor. 

For a few moments, Josh stared into the dark, thinking about Tyler's parents and how they could do this to their son, _how_ , why was homophobia even a thing? And what kind of parent would throw their kid out of the house for being something they had absolutely no influence on? He simply couldn't wrap his head around it. The worst reaction he could imagine from his parents if he happened to bring home a boyfriend (which definitely wasn't going to happen) was confusion and astonishment, but they would never, ever actively disrespect or even hurt him. Hell, his mother had told him exactly that yesterday. 

Tyler's voice cut through the dark, a quiet whisper. “Josh?” 

“Yes?”, he whispered back. 

“I'm scared.” 

“It's going to be alright.” 

“Can I... only if it's okaywith you, but yesterday we shared a bed and it was really comforting, so....” 

“Of course, come in.” 

Josh smiled into the dark when the other boy's warm body slid into the bed next to him. He thought he could feel his heartbeat, quick at first but slowing down as his breathing became calmer. Tyler was right, this was so much more comfortable than sleeping alone. 

***

On Saturday, they sat in the grass in the local park. It was still slightly damp from the rain a few hours ago, but Josh had persuaded Tyler that it was too nice to stay inside and play video games all day. He had also managed to get him to bring his ukulele to sing for him. It had taken a great deal of persuasion and bribery with food because Tyler was still reluctant to sing in front of someone else, but he had promised it to Josh. 

It was mostly empty in that part of the park, only every ten minutes or so a passenger came along the path near to the spot where they were sitting. 

“What do you want me to sing?”, Tyler asked. 

“I don't know, you choose.” 

“You forced me to do this, so you have to pick the song at least.” 

“But I don't know what you can play!” Josh thought for a moment. “How about the campfire song from Spongebob?” 

“I hate you.” Tyler sighed and began to tune his ukulele. 

“Hey, watch your mouth! You might lose your place to live.” 

Tyler just rolled his eyes in response. They both knew that wasn't going to happen. 

“Do you have any songs you wrote yourself?”, Josh asked. 

“Yeah, all the songs for our band and some more.” 

“Could you sing something? Maybe, like, something no one's ever heard before and you want an opinion”, he suggested hopefully. 

Tyler hesitated. “Um. Yes. There's this one song... I kind of, actually, I actually like it, which is a rare thing with songs I've written, I usually start hating them after a few days of consideration, but I also have a bad relationship with it because I wrote it for my mother and that was before the... _thing_ happened.” 

“I'd like to hear that. Only if you want to, of course.” 

“I'll do it for you.” 

He smiled and closed his eyes, probably to forget that he was being watched, and began to sing, accompanied by his ukulele. At first, his voice was shaky, nervous, but it became steadier after the first few lines. Josh watched and listened, fascinated. His voice was amazing, full of emotion and somewhat fragile, nothing like he had ever heard before. Although he didn't quite get the lyrics hearing them for the first time he could tell that they were important to Tyler by the way he sang, and it was incredible that he was the first person to ever hear the song. 

When it ended, Tyler opened his eyes again and gave Josh an insecure smile. “What do you think? It's probably bad, right?” 

“No! No, it's...” Josh searched for the right words. “I'm sorry. It was good, but I'm not good with words. Nothing I can say would be appropriate.” 

“It's more than enough to hear you say that”, Tyler said. 

Josh was captivated by the way his entire face lit up when he smiled, how the smile found its way up to the eyes and made them shine in that very special way. He loved 

Tyler's smile so much. How could anyone hate this boy? 

He reached into his pocket and found a waterproof marker he always carried around to annoy people by writing on their belongings. 

“What are you doing?” Tyler frowned. 

“Wait.” Josh uncapped it and bent over Tyler's white converse. On the left, he carefully wrote “you are amazing”, looked at it for a few seconds and then went over to the other side. “I love you”, he slowly wrote. 

“Just a reminder. You can look at it whenever you feel like that's not true.” 

When Tyler looked up again, Josh noticed a faint blush on his cheeks. “No homo?”, he asked, sounding unsure. 

“No homo”, Josh confirmed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this two days ago but then crippling self-doubt™ hit me when I tried to edit. sorry. shoutout to my friend for kicking my ass again and persuading me to post it.  
> this chapter is a little shorter than the others but I had to separate it from the next one because they would've been too long together, but anyway. it's bad as always (thanks for still being here) but enjoy, I guess?

### IV

Over the following days, a daily routine began to establish itself automatically. Josh's mom now put a plate for one more person on the table without asking and nobody questioned Tyler's presence. At first, it was awkward to explain to Josh's siblings why he was here, but they quickly got used to him. He and Josh went to school together, spent the breaks together, just as they always had, and left together. They tried to do homework together, but they mostly just ended up neglecting it and talking about nothing and everything instead. After three more days, Josh felt like he had always been there with him. 

From time to time, he looked down at Tyler's shoes. Even though his brother had brought him clothes and other shoes on Sunday, he was always wearing the ones with Josh's words on them. Sometimes Josh caught him wearing his shirts too, but Tyler always pretended it had been an accident when Josh mentioned it. 

On Friday a week after they had woken up together for the first time, there was another band practice. When Josh entered the room, he found Gabe, looking slightly confused. 

“Hey, Josh, do you know where the sheet music is? Did you take it with you last time?” 

“Nah, I have my own copy at home. Maybe Pete took it.” He began to unpack his bag. 

Pete and Ryan arrived together. Josh immediately sensed that today was a good day, better than last week for sure; they seemed peaceful and harmonic. Well, he thought, they'd better keep that attitude until the contest because it would surely make everything a lot easier. 

“Pete, do you have any idea where the sheet music is?”, Gabe asked. He was kneeling on the ground and looking under Josh's drumset. “Because it kind of disappeared. I searched the entire room and...” 

“I left it exactly there.” Pete pointed at a clearly empty table and his face froze. He turned around to Ryan. “Do you have it?” 

“Nope. No idea where it is.” 

“What the... are you sure you looked everywhere, Gabe? You don't have it either, Josh?”, Pete asked. 

“Yes, I looked like twice everywhere”, Gabe informed them, and Josh shook his head. 

“Those fucking... Urie or another one of those fuckers stole it”, Pete declared, as always quick to blame the other band. 

“Don't you think you're being paranoid?”, Josh asked sceptically. 

“No, Brendon has been looking at me weirdly for days, I was wondering what that was about, but now I know”, he said without a trace of doubt. “They're gonna get their revenge.” 

Josh exchanged a sceptical look with Gabe. 

“But how did they get into the room?”, Pete continued. “The school has reserved this room for us, so no one except us and maybe the caretaker has a key.” He looked at Josh, eyes narrowed. “Josh, you've been hanging out with Tyler a lot lately. Is there any chance he took your key?” 

“For God's sake, Pete”, Josh said, exasperated. “He would _never_ do that just to steal our sheet music. He doesn't even care that much about this stupid contest.” 

“You can't trust any of them.” But apparently he did trust Josh's judgement. “Gabe? Did you give the key to someone?” 

“No”, Gabe said. “Relax, it was probably the caretaker when they were cleaning or something.” 

Meanwhile, Ryan was biting his lip and looking uncomfortable, but Pete didn't ask him. 

“Maybe”, Pete gave in, not appearing entirely convinced. “I mean, I still have copies at home, but we have to practise today, how are we going to do that?” 

“Don't y'all know our songs by heart yet?”, Ryan asked. 

“I do”, Josh said. 

Gabe laughed, shaking his head. “I don't even know them when I have the sheet music.” 

Ryan gave him a glare. “Maybe, with a little more motivation...” 

“Let's just meet on Saturday or Sunday instead”, Josh interrupted him before he could start a scene. “It doesn't make sense today.” 

“I guess you're right”, Ryan admitted. “Tomorrow at three?” 

“Tomorrow at three, and all of you are going to be here on time”, Pete said threateningly. 

Gabe rolled his eyes but nodded. “Well, at least that means I have more time to prepare my party today. Y'all are coming, right?” 

Everybody nodded, although not too enthusiastically. “Great.” Gabe grinned. 

What a trainwreck this band was, Josh thought when he left the room. 

***

The two of them drove to the party in Josh's car, past the lights of the dark city, singing along to radio songs. From time to time, Josh looked over at Tyler. He was wearing floral robe and it seemed to mirror his happy mindset because he looked careless today, a smile on his face as they drove through the night. 

Not surprisingly, they were going to be late. 

“The best guests come last”, Josh had announced. 

When they arrived, the party was already going strong – they could see the lights from inside the house and hear the thumping of a heavy bass. If the partygoers didn't turn it down a little, Josh thought, the neighbors would call the police again. That was what had happened the last time Gabe had had the great idea to celebrate his parents' absence by inviting not only his friends, but their entire grade. 

He turned off the radio. Into the car's silence, Tyler spoke. “I don't want to go inside yet.” 

“What? Why?” 

“I don't know. It's nice to be inside here, calm and dark and separate from the people inside. I don't know. Can't we just stay in the car for a few minutes?” 

“Sure.” 

They sat in silence for an indefinite span of time. Josh watched Gabe's house, wondering who was in there right now and what they were doing. He felt just like Tyler had said: separated from them. It was a peculiar feeling for him because he usually liked to be with the people, in the middle of the action. 

“You know, I've been thinking”, Tyler suddenly said, sounding more like he was talking to himself. “I don't think I believe in God, and, like, living a life to please him. Why would I devote myself to something I can't see or feel or hear? And even if God exists, I don't think he judges people based on who they're attracted to. That's just dumb, isn't it? I'm not harming anyone, and I can't change it, and I just can't believe that I would be punished for something I didn't decide, right?” He was silent for a moment. “Maybe I'm totally wrong though. Maybe I'm just lying to myself.” 

“No, I think you're on the right path”, Josh said. “I told you before that you're good the way you are, it's your nature, it's valid and right, and it's not something bad or sinful. I don't believe in God, anyway.” 

“What do you believe in?” 

“Aliens”, he immediately said and laughed. “No, but really. I feel like lots of religions are actually based on or influenced by aliens.” Tyler was looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and confusion. “Seriously. I know it sounds crazy”, Josh continued. “But I mean, flying chariots? UFOs. Angels? Aliens. So many religions have something like, I don't know, shining flying things from the sky. And there are even lots of old paintings that show UFOs! Or at least something that looks like them, and I have no idea what else it could be and why it would have been in the sky back then. Obviously it can't be planes or something, not like today when most UFO sightings are just people who don't recognize a plane. I just think it makes sense...” He stopped himself. “Okay, sorry. I always get excited talking about aliens. Maybe I watched too much X-Files.” 

“Maybe”, Tyler said, smiling. “But what you said was interesting. Although I know a lot of people that would probably be outraged by this kind of blasphemy.” 

“That's the good thing about not believing in God. It doesn't matter if it's blasphemy because... well, it's irrelevant anyway. And the people that are shocked by it, well, that's not really my problem but theirs.” 

“You're shocking enough to some people because you have blue hair and wear cool clothes”, Tyler stated matter-of-factly. 

“I know. I'm a very scary teenager.” Josh laughed. “But honestly... I think it's pretty great you're finally questioning your religion and the way you were brought up to form your own opinion.” 

“Hmm. Probably.” 

After a moment of silence, Josh said, “I like this kind of conversation.” 

“What kind of conversation?” 

“The kind you can only have with someone alone in a car at night. It's a special feeling. I don't know how to explain it.” 

“With someone you trust a lot”, Tyler added, making Josh smile. 

“Yes.” 

They were silent again, but this silence was not as calm and peaceful as the one before. It was filled with a certain tension, and now they weren't staring out of the window anymore, but looking at each other. Something made Josh unable to take his eyes away from Tyler's face, only half visible in the light coming from the house. They locked eyes for a few seconds, neither of them smiling now. Maybe it was just his imagination, but he thought that the other boy's breathing had become more audible and irregular, almost nervous. For his ears, it drowned out the sounds of the party outside. 

He caught himself staring at the curve of Tyler's lower lip, maybe a second to long. And again, maybe it was just Josh's imagination, and he didn't know what any of this meant, but Tyler moved, leaning in his direction by not more than an inch. His eyes were wide and questioning, reflecting the lights from outside, and he was coming closer ever so slightly. 

_Snap out of it. What do you think you're doing?_ Josh abruptly turned his head, breaking the eye contact. "D'you think we should go inside now? I guess they're waiting for us. Or maybe not.” He forced a laugh. “Whatever.” 

“Yeah, you're right”, Tyler said, appearing completely unaffected by Josh's sudden disruption of the moment. 

If there had been a _moment_ at all. Maybe it had really just been his overactive imagination fantasizing. Right now, he didn't want to think about what that might say about him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm the worst, please don't hate me  
>  _tw: alcohol and drugs are mentioned_

### V

Someone opened the door to run into the garden and bend over some bushes for reasons Josh didn't care to investigate further, unintentionally letting them in. They entered the house. 

Most of all, it was loud and overwhelming. The corridor was mostly dark, occasionally lit by flashes of light from another room. Some song Josh didn't recognize was playing and although there had to be at least one wall between them and the source, it was almost deafeningly loud. The music mixed with the voices of what sounded like the entire school, drunk and probably on drugs. 

Just how many people had Gabe invited? 

Someone greeted them. After a moment of focusing Josh realized that it was the host himself, the great Gabriel Saporta. “Hey gays – uh, guys”, he said, speech slightly slurred. 

Tyler shot Josh a panicked look that very clearly asked “does he know??”. Josh tried to shake his head comfortingly – of course Gabe didn't know Tyler's secret - while at the same time saying, or rather yelling,“Hey, Gabe, nice party!” 

“I know”, he said, grinning from ear to ear. “I'm going to be _so_ hungover tomorrow.” He laughed, sounding slightly mad. “If you want to drink something, there's stuff in the kitchen, if you want anything else you gotta ask people.” 

“Yeah, no, actually, no thanks”, Josh said. He lightly touched Tyler's arm to calm him down because he was looking scared, casting wide-eyed glances at the surroundings. “We're just gonna, I don't know, go find some of our friends, right? Okay, Tyler?” 

Tyler nodded mutely. 

“Good, have fun”, Gabe said and waved them goodbye with the beer bottle in his hand. 

As soon as he was gone, Josh turned to Tyler. “Are you alright?”, he asked, worried. He seemed to be shaky. A few months ago, Josh had witnessed him having a panic attack before an important math test, and it was nothing he wanted to happen to his friend ever again. 

“Yeah, well, it's just... too many people and too loud, I'm not used to it”, Tyler replied, forcing a smile. 

“Do you want to leave? We can leave if you want to.” 

“No, no, I don't want to ruin it for you.” 

“You wouldn't! I'm not too keen on this anyway. Just the two of us alone at home sounds good too. I mean...” He cleared his throat. “You know what I mean. Just. Hanging Out.” 

“No, really, it's okay. We're here now, it would be weird if we left, right?”, Tyler pointed out, though his expression was somewhat pained. “It's going to be okay, I'll just go to the bathroom or something to be alone for a while until I'm ready. You go in there and find your friends.” 

“I can't just leave you alone -” 

“Yes, you can.” His voice was strict, but he was smiling in spite of his obvious discomfort. “Have fun.” 

“Okay, but if something's wrong and you need my help, please immediately ask me. You can text me or something if you don't want to go where all the people are.” 

“Yes, yes, I will. Now just... go, please.” He was almost laughing now. “God, you're worse than my grandma.” 

Hesitantly, Josh turned around to leave. He looked back over his shoulder once more. “And....” 

“ _Please_.” 

“Okay. Bye.” 

***

In the living room, his ears quickly became accostumed to the initially ear-splitting noise. It was dark except for disco lights – where the hell had Gabe got those from? - making it even harder for him to spot anyone in the crowd. 

Finally, he found a familiar face. “Hey, Dallon!” He waved at his tall classmate and quickly made his way through the crowd to the corner where Dallon was standing with a group of friends. Josh recognized Patrick, the lead singer of Tyler's band, their guitarist Joe, and Vicky, someone from their school and Gabe's best friend and ex-girlfriend, if you believed the gossip. 

“Hey, guys”, Josh greeted them. 

“You seem sober”, Vicky observed with the sharp wit of someone who has had one too many shots. “Here, drink this.” She handed him her plastic cup. 

“Thanks”, he mumbled and took a sip out of it without bothering to ask what it contained. He grimaced when he tasted a strange mixture of cherry juice and vodka. Not his favorite drink. 

“Anyway, I didn't want to interrupt your conversation, sorry”, he said when he noticed that everyone had become quiet. 

“Oh, no problem”, Patrick said cheerfully. “We were just talking about how Nate got caught smoking weed with Jon by his mother and now she won't let him go to parties anymore, which is why he isn't here today.” 

“Did he really? Wow, that's...” Josh paused, looking for the right word. “Pretty dumb. You'd think they should know how to hide that kind of shit by now.” 

“Yeah, I know right”, Dallon said. “My parents are super strict because they're Mormons, they observe me like the FBI and they would kill me if I did anything like that, but I've never been caught.” He leaned forwards conspirationally. “Right now, I'm at church. Evening praying session with Brendon. He's covering for me and vice versa because he's Mormon too. His parents are, I mean. And if we're gonna go down, we're going down together, at least.” He chuckled. 

“Where is Brendon, anyway?” Joe let his eyes wander over the crowd as if it was possible to find anyone particular in that obscure mass of moving bodies. “I haven't seen him in like twenty minutes.” 

“Where is Brendon, anyway?” Joe let his eyes wander over the crowd as if it was possible to find anyone particular in that obscure mass of moving bodies. “I haven't seen him in like twenty minutes.” 

“Maybe he drowned”, Vicky giggled. It obviously didn't bother her that she was the only one laughing at her joke. “But who cares actually. Hey Josh?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I like your hair. Wanna make out?”, she said casually. 

Josh almost choked on his drink. “Um.” He was temporarily speechless, caught by surprise. The others, however, didn't seem to pay attention to her; they just kept talking. Maybe that kind of behavior was usual for Vicky. 

He had to admit that she was attractive in a certain unconventional, wild way, and that there was something appealing about her blatant openness, so unlike others who rarely ever admitted things like this. 

Or maybe she was just drunk. 

“You're not gay, are you?”, she asked. 

“What? No, why does everyone think that?” Shouldn't it be obvious that he was straight? How did they even get that idea? 

“Maybe because you always look at Tyler like he's... I don't know, made of stars or some sappy shit.” 

“Oh. No. I'm... we're just friends. I like him a lot, but like, platonically.” 

“Sure”, she scoffed. She looked him straight in the eyes, teasing him. 

Trying to make him prove it, wasn't she? 

Josh leaned towards her. For some reason, in the split second before their lips met, the memory of the fleeting moment in the car crossed his mind. It was probably because she had mentioned Tyler before, nothing more. Yes, that must be the reason. 

Even though Josh could count the girls he had kissed on one hand – on two fingers, to be more exact – he could immediately tell that Vicky was a good kisser, with a fair amount of practice. She tasted of vodka and she kissed him back almost aggressively, one hand in his hair and the other on his back, pulling him close. Josh responded to her touch, following her lead automatically, until she broke the kiss. 

“Well, you're not bad”, she noted. “I honestly wouldn't have thought that because -” 

The rest of her statement was never to be heard because in that very moment, there was an uproar at the other side of the room, a door banging and someone shouting. They both hurried over to join the crowd that was already forming at the source of the noise. 

Pete was standing by the open door, staring at the scenery inside it with an expression of pure fury on his face. By moving a few inches to the side, Josh could see it clearly, too. 

Ryan and Brendon were inside the dimly lit room. It looked like it might be the bedroom of Gabe's absent parents. Both boys were shirtless, their hair messed up in an unmistakable way, and Brendon had small, clearly visible red marks all over his neck and collarbones. All of these details would have been suspicious enough on their own if it hadn't been for the most important fact that Ryan was lying on the bed with Brendon sitting on top of him. 

A few seconds too late, Ryan pushed Brendon off his thighs and leapt to his feet. “It's not what it looks like”, he told Pete breathlessly. 

“It's very much what it looks like”, Vicky murmured next to Josh. 

“Oh, yes? What is it, then? I'd like to hear your explanation”, Pete said, biting sarcasm in his voice. 

The entire crowd was holding their breath. This was better entertainment than any of them could ever have hoped for. 

When Ryan remained silent, Pete pressed on. “How long has this been going on?” 

“It was just today, we were drunk”, Ryan mumbled, but he didn't look too convinced by his own words. Josh almost felt pity for him because he was looking so lost and vulnerable, standing there in nothing but his jeans and trying carefully not to meet anyone's eyes. 

“He's lying.” Brendon spoke quietly, but he was heard clearly because the silence in the room was so complete that you could have heard a needle dropping. Somebody must have turned off the music, probably so the curious spectators could enjoy the scene without any distraction. Everybody was waiting in anticipation. 

“Sorry, Ryan, but I just can't do this anymore.” He ran his hand over his forehead tiredly. “We've been meeting in secret for months, Pete, and he kept promising he would finally tell you and break up with you. And I think you deserve to know. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.” 

“Thanks a lot, Brendon”, Ryan hissed furiously. 

Pete said nothing at all. He was staring at the two of them with a dangerous glint in his eyes. Josh noticed that his fists were clenched and he was shaking. For a second, he feared that Pete might actually attack them, but then he did the contrary. He turned around and stormed off into the opposite direction through the watching crowd that willingly parted for him. Nobody wanted to be in the way of his anger right now. 

As soon as the door slammed behind Pete, a buzz arose from the previously silent bunch of people. Everybody turned to their friends to discuss the scene they had just witnessed while Brendon and Ryan were looking at each other awkwardly, probably wishing they could close the door again and shut out their unwanted audience. 

Vicky tugged at Josh's wrist. “Well, that was interesting”, she stated, although she didn't appear too impressed. “D'ya wanna go back to where we stopped?” 

“Sorry, not now”, Josh said, giving her an apologetic smile. “I have to go find Tyler because I have no idea where he is, and then I have to think of a way to repair my band. I'm sorry, really.” 

“Okay”, she pouted. “But at least let me give you my phone number so we can meet some time.” 

“Sure.” He smiled when she pulled a pen from her skirt's pocket and proceeded to write a series of numbers on his arm. It reminded Josh of himself, back at the park with Tyler. “Do you just always carry a marker around?” 

“Yeah. It's permanent. I like to write on people's things just to mess with them.” 

“I do that too. Never met anyone who... well, nevermind. It's not really important”, he mumbled. 

She pulled him in for a swift kiss. “You're cute. Call me, right?” 

“I will”, Josh promised.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm having some serious personal problems right now and didn't get to write as much as i'd have liked to, otherwise i would've updated earlier, i'm sorry about that.  
> have fun with the aftermath of the disaster that was the last chapter

### XI

On the way back home, Tyler was unusually quiet. He didn't speak of his own accord, only gave one-word answers to Josh's questions, and stared out of the window all the time instead of looking at him. 

At best he was just tired, Josh thought. He hoped that the party hadn't been too much for him. Yes, he had told Tyler to come to him if something was wrong or he couldn't stand the situation, but Josh wasn't sure he would actually have done it, no matter how bad he was feeling. If only Tyler wasn't too damn polite to ask someone for a favor. 

“You have to look after yourself sometimes and not always put others' needs ahead of yours”, he said out loud. 

“What?” Tyler still didn't turn away from the window to meet his eyes. 

“I was just thinking about how you didn't ask me to leave the party with you even though you were obviously uncomfortable, and I think you sometimes have to take care of yourself, even if others might be affected”, Josh explained. 

“What are you, my therapist or my mom?” 

“No”, he replied, taken aback by Tyler's unfriendly tone. “I'm just worried about you.” 

“Great. I can look after myself very well, thank you.” 

“Did I do something wrong?”, Josh asked tentatively. 

“No.” His voice, however, suggested the opposite of what he said. 

***

Therefore, although it hurt, it didn't surprise Josh when Tyler passively refused to keep up their habit of sharing a bed. They had slept in Josh's bed together every night of the past week, but today Tyler was already lying on the mattress on the floor when Josh returned from the shower. He had his eyes closed. Surely he wasn't sleeping yet, because he never fell asleep that easily or slept that motionlessly, but Josh knew better than to try and talk to him now. Tyler had made it clear that he wasn't going to tell him what was wrong anyway. 

With a sigh, he picked up his phone to see if Vicky had answered yet. He had texted her before showering, where the water had made her phone number on his arm unreadable. 

The phone showed no new messages. Maybe she was already sleeping or still at the party. Josh didn't really care. She would text back sooner or later. 

He turned off his phone and closed his eyes. The bed felt too empty and cold. He had gotten used to sharing it so quickly. With others, he usually hated sleeping in one narrow bed because they always took up all the space or kicked him in their sleep or something equally annoying. Tyler sleeping next to him, however, had been the opposite of annoying – he actually made sleeping calmly easier. 

Josh opened his eyes again, searching the dark for an answer. What had he done wrong? 

***

At first, it looked like the band was over, irreparably. The events at the party had been a car crashing into a wall, already foreshadowed and inevitable, and what was left was nothing but ruins and resentment. The logical conclusion seemed to be signing out of the contest right before the final, leaving the victory to their opponents. 

Pete flat-out refused to talk to Ryan. He didn't even care to look at him. It took Josh all his persuasion powers to get them to be in the same room at all. Gabe walked in ten minutes too late, with dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes. 

“Y'all look as hungover as I feel”, he informed them. 

“Nobody here is hungover except you, Gabe”, Ryan said tiredly. 

“Well then, why the long face?”, he asked, looking confused. 

Josh frowned. “Weren't you there yesterday?” 

“Of course I was there, it was my party, wasn't it?” 

“Yeah, but... when, you know, the thing happened. I think it was like... around midnight, wasn't it? Maybe later.” 

Ryan and Pete nodded agreeingly. 

“I might have been banging Ashley at that time.” Gabe scratched his head. “Yeah, I think I was. Can't remember a lot. Why, what happened?” 

The three of them looked at each other uncomfortably. Neither of them was particularly keen on informing him about the incident. 

“Why don't you tell him what you were up to, Ryan?”, Pete said harshly, still making a point of not looking in his direction. 

Ryan just stared at the ground like it was the most interesting thing he had seen in his entire life, biting his lip. 

Josh gave in. “Pete caught Ryan cheating on him at your party.” 

This sentence immediately seemed to capture Gabe's naturally elusive attention. “Ooohh, who was the lucky guy?” 

“Brendon Urie”, Ryan mumbled. 

“No way!”, Gabe exclaimed, looking practically gleeful. 

“Yes way”, Josh said. “And it's really not funny.” 

“Of course not”, Gabe said, trying hard and failing to look concerned. 

“Seriously. Please, guys. What are we going to do now?” Josh was beginning to feel like the only sane person in the room. 

“But it's not that big of a deal, is it? Doesn't mean anything. You're drunk at a party and there's this hot guy...”, Gabe mused. “Although I'm straight, of course, but that doesn't mean I can't think a guy is attractive, right? Look at Brendon. I'm just trying to see things from Ryan's point of view here.” He laughed. “What I'm trying to say is, don't you think you could forgive him, Pete? An accident like this can happen to everyone.” 

“It wasn't a one-time thing and it surely wasn't an accident”, Pete stated coolly. “I should've known there was something going on. He never let me look at his phone or read his messages, he kept disappearing without telling me where, and he always had hickeys that I swear weren't made by me, but I never mentioned them because I hoped I'd just forgotten it. That Urie fucker”, he said bitterly. “I've always hated him, but now...” 

“Ryan is standing right next to you, Pete”, Josh said. “Why don't you just talk -” 

“Forget it”, Ryan snapped, suddenly venomous. “I won't talk about it when he's acting like this. I'm not going to say I'm sorry because I'm not, and we're not getting back together. I was just waiting for the right moment to break up with him. I want to be together with Brendon -” 

“Great”, Pete spit out. “So I can leave now? Because I really don't want to see Ryan any longer.” 

“No, you're not leaving -” 

“Maybe it's a good idea, Josh”, Gabe interrupted him. “Maybe we should wait a few days until everyone has calmed down.” 

“I won't...”, Pete began, immediately cut off by Gabe. 

“Come on, dude, maybe chill out a little.” Turned to Josh, he said, “I'm this close to quitting the band.” 

“So am I”, Pete said. 

“No, no, nobody's quitting”, Josh said desperately. It was a feeling like trying to keep an entire house from caving in with nothing but his bare hands. He had never been the one who cared most about the band, he had just been in it to support his friends, and yet now he was the only one holding it all together. “Gabe's right, let's all just go back home and relax and think about everything, and in a few days we can talk about it again and see if there's really no other option than breaking up the band.” 

Pete looked like he was about to protest again, but luckily, he finally kept his mouth shut. 

“Yeah, good. I need to sleep anyway, I have a headache”, Gabe announced, already on the way to the door. 

“Surprising”, Ryan muttered. 

“You're not going to kill each other if I leave now, right?”, Josh asked, looking at him and Pete. 

“No, I'm not staying here any longer anyway”, Pete said. On his way to the door, he muttered something about “this Urie guy” under his breath. 

Ryan sighed, looking after him in defeat. “I wish I didn't have to do this to him, but I'm in love with Brendon, I really am”, he said quietly, talking more to himself than to Josh. “I wish it hadn't happened like this, but in a way I'm glad because now we don't have to hide anymore.” 

“Um. Okay.” 

“I'm sorry, Josh, I didn't mean to fuck up like this”, Ryan said, almost pleading. “I know it was a shitty thing to do, but please don't hate me.” 

Josh noticed that he had dark shadows under his eyes instead of the eyeliner he usually wore, and he was even paler than usual. He did look hungover, although he probably wasn't. More likely, a night without sleep. This situation really seemed to be getting to him. 

“I don't hate you. But maybe, you know, you could've broken up with him immediately instead of cheating for months, that would probably have caused less drama.” 

“Yes, I know. It's not always that easy, sadly”, Ryan said slowly. “Actually, it's kind of... ironic because I was scared of the drama, I didn't want him to freak out, so I didn't dare to tell him. But of course it's way worse to find out this way. Of course it couldn't be kept secret forever. I was dumb.” 

Josh couldn't really contradict that statement. “Well... can't change it now, right? Let's just try to make the best of it.” 

“Yeah. Thanks for your help. You're a great friend, you know.” 

***

Josh almost expected Tyler to not be at home when he returned, maybe at a friend's house, but he was there, sitting on the couch and playing Smash Bros. He didn't put the controller down or even look up when Josh entered and sat down next to him. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi, Josh.” 

The tone of his voice was colder than usual. So he was still angry at him. Josh groaned internally. _What had he done to Tyler?_ He attempted to cover it up. Maybe he really wasn't angry at Josh specifically. Maybe he was just angry at the world, and if Josh talked to him as always and made him laugh, it would get better. Hopefully. 

“So our band is totally messed up now”, Josh began, trying to sound casual. “I have no idea if they're going to pull themselves together before the contest. Lucky for you, you'll have a way higher chance at winning if we don't get a grip soon.” 

“Oh. Why?” 

At least that was a reaction. “Were you there yesterday when all the drama went down with Brendon and Ryan? Obviously Pete's kind of... not too friendly towards Ryan right now, to put it gently.” 

“Oh. Yeah, I was there. Right.” 

“Yeah, they won't even be in the same room at the moment”, he continued. “Pete looked ready to kill Brendon, I'm actually worried...” His phone's ringtone interrupted his words. After a glance at the screen he said, “Oh, that's Vicky, sorry, I have to answer that.” 

Tyler's expression darkened the second he mentioned her name. He returned to the TV screen, focusing on the game without looking at Josh. 

“Hey, Vicky”, he greeted her. 

“Hi, Josh. I'm calling to ask you if you still want to meet me. And I'm sorry I was, uh, kind of obtrusive yesterday.” She sounded unusually shy, very different to the bold girl he had gotten to know at the party. Possibly because the alcohol had made her loosen up. He liked this side of her too, maybe even more. 

“It's fine, really. Of course I still want to meet you”, he said. “When? I don't really care. I have a lot of free time.” 

“Wanna go to a café tomorrow? Just have some coffee. Or ice cream or something.” 

“That's a good idea.” Her suggestion made him smile. A date. He had never been on a real date before. 

Vicky gave him the address. Even when she had ended the call, he couldn't stop himself from smiling. 

Sounding like it took him a lot of effort to form the words, Tyler asked, “Are you two, like... dating now?” 

“Um. I don't know, to be honest. It's just one date. We'll see what happens.” 

“I saw you at the party.” 

“Oh.” Josh swallowed hard. For some reason he was suddenly feeling guilty. “I didn't know you were there on the dancefloor at all, I thought you were somewhere more quiet.” 

“No, I was there. I was looking for you because I wanted to talk to you.” He sounded so bitter. “But then I saw you two and I didn't want to disturb you. And then the thing with Brendon happened.” 

“I'm really sorry”, Josh said. “Was it because of anything important? I'm sorry I didn't notice you.” 

Tyler laughed. It didn't sound honest. “No, I didn't want to tell you anything... important.” But the look on his face was speaking volumes.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i listened to the [x-files theme 44 minutes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIiX2FJbgD8) on repeat while editing this and i apologize for everything  
> also thanks a lot for staying with me through all of this story, it really means something to me, you don't even know

### XII

An hour before the date, Josh began trying to pick the right clothes. He changed his mind so many times he lost count, suddenly noticing a flaw, a stain on a shirt or an unfortunate combination of colours that made the outfit impossible to wear. What if she thought he looked weird? What if he messed it up from the beginning, before he had even had a chance to ruin the date by speaking? 

He could have asked Tyler for help, on any other day he would have done so without thinking twice, but today he didn't want to take the risk of making him angry again. He was talking to Josh again, although in a more reserved way than ever before, and they had spent another night in their separate beds. 

So Josh littered his bedroom floor with clothes and triple-checked his hair in the mirror, until the clock was showing 3.44. She had asked him to come at 4, and the way was going to take him about ten minutes, unless he accidentally took a wrong turn and got lost, which wasn't at all unlikely... he cursed and picked up the nearest shirt from the floor. It was his beloved, washed-out blue NASA-print-shirt. Good enough. Clothing decisions made easy – just wait until the last second. 

“Are you leaving for your date with Vicky?” 

Josh, already about to leave the house, turned around to see Tyler leaning in the doorframe that led to the living room. “Yeah”, he said. He couldn't look him in the eyes. 

“Have fun, good luck or whatever you wish someone for that.” Tyler's cheery tone sounded forced. “You look good”, he added quietly. 

“Um. Thanks. I have to hurry now, bye.” Josh turned around, positively fleeing through the door, fleeing from all the unspoken words in the air. 

Miraculously, he found the right way at the first try, arriving in time – only a few minutes late – at the café, where Vicky was already waiting. She smiled at him, warmly and openly. Except that her make-up was a little less messed-up and her short skirt had been replaced by jeans and a plain black shirt, she looked exactly as she had at the party, still her seemingly carefree self. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah, hi”, he replied, suddenly shy. 

“Let's go in there”, she suggested. “I'm really craving some ice cream right now.” They both laughed, just a little awkwardly. 

Josh flicked through the menu. At a picture of an Oreo sundae he stopped, images of him and Tyler in the car coming to his mind. The McFlurry on the day after Tyler had come to his house and asked for help, and how happy they had been that morning. Josh tried to ban the thoughts from his mind and turned the page. 

“Strawberry, please.” 

The waitress nodded and wrote his order down, her generic smile not fading from her face. He really admired the acting skills of retail workers and waiters. It had to cost them a lot of energy to keep up their friendly facade continuously, especially when they were confronted with aggressive or plainly dumb costumers. Josh disliked people that weren't nice to them. He knew that he would never be able to work hard in a job like that. 

While they were waiting for their food to be delivered, they started talking, first about the beautiful weather, then complaining about school. Then Vicky asked about Josh's band - “you're in that one of our school's bands, right? How's it going?”- to which he gave an avoidant answer because he wasn't in the mood to think about their drama again, and much less to explain it to Vicky. 

By the time their order arrived, they had already run out of casual conversation topics. For a minute, they ate in awkward silence. Josh desperately searched his brain for something interesting to say, something to get the conversation going, but he couldn't think of anything. He didn't know anything about her, he didn't know what kind of movies she liked or what music she listened to. There was nothing he could use as a starting point. 

Just as he was preparing a comment about the sundae's excellent taste, the X-Files theme song cut through the silence. 

Josh cursed and reached into his pocket. “My phone”, he explained. “Sorry.” 

Vicky laughed. “Great ringtone.” 

“I know, it's kind of ridiculous, but...” He looked at the screen. Tyler. Why was Tyler calling him now? He knew full well that Josh was on a date, so it had to be something important. 

“I'm sorry for the interruption”, he told Vicky apologetically. 

She just shrugged. “No problem.” 

He answered the call. “Hey, Tyler, what's up?” 

“Hey Josh”, his friend's voice came through the speaker. “Sorry to disturb you. Do you know where Brendon lives?” 

“Um. Yes, I think so?” 

“Can you come here?” 

“Right now?” 

“Yes, please, it's important.” 

“Okay, I'll be there.” Josh ended the call and turned to Vicky. “I'm sorry, I have to go. This really isn't because of you, it's not like a fake call or something, and he wouldn't ask me to come if it wasn't necessary.” 

“Yes, it's okay”, she said. “If you want to, you can come over to my house next Thursday. I have Netflix, a lot of DVDs and my parents aren't going to be there.” 

Unless he was misreading it, there was a certain alluring undertone in her voice. His heartbeat sped up uncomfortably. 

“Um, yeah, I think that's a good idea. Let's talk about it in school or something, okay? I have to go.” 

“Yes, let's do that.” She smiled. “Bye.” 

For a second, Josh just looked at her, lost in thought. He could kiss her again, he could do it. He doubted that she was going to object. But then he didn't. Instead, he stood up, put the money for his order on the table, turned around and left the café. 

***

Josh found the way to Brendon's house quickly. It stood out against the neighborhood, not only because it was a little bigger and a little cleaner, but mostly because it was covered in large banners with religious slogans, Bible quotes, and stylized crosses. Oh yes. The Mormon parents. 

Tyler was standing on the pavement in front of the house, waving at Josh the moment he recognized his car's unmistakable bright green colour. Josh pulled over, exited and locked his car. “What's going on? Why am I here?” 

“Over there, Brendon's car.” 

Side by side, they crossed the street, walking up to Brendon. Wordlessly, Tyler pointed at the car. 

“Yeah, so what - _oh_.” 

The front window was shattered to pieces. It looked like someone had attacked it with a hammer and a high level of aggression. The car's black, shiny paint was scratched too. In some places, there was rarely any black left to cover the metal. Whoever had done that must have been really, _really_ angry at Brendon. 

“Oh, shit.” 

“Yes”, Brendon said. It sounded like he was choking back tears. “I fucking worked my ass off so I could afford this car, I spent so many evenings at Taco Bell behind the counter, evenings I could have used to practice music, just so I could buy this car, and...” 

“Don't you have car insurance?”, Josh asked. 

“No. Didn't think it was necessary.” 

Well, that had been one of his worse decisions, which, considering that he was Brendon Urie, really counted for something. “Calm down. It's not completely destroyed, it's just the window and the paint. You can get them repaired.” 

“But I don't have the money... what kind of fucking asshole”, he muttered. “Knew exactly how to hit me.” 

“What does this have to do with me anyway?”, Josh wanted to know, still confused. “Why did you ask me to come here?” 

“We were hoping you could call the culprit and try to talk to him.” Tyler handed him a piece of paper. “This was lying on the seat in the car.” 

The few lines were written in a handwriting Josh knew all too well. It was familiar to him from lyrics, notes scribbled on sheet music, notes hanging on their practice room's door. He swore. The letter read “ _this is what you get for stealing someone's boyfriend: it's war, Urie._ ”. 

***

“Look, Pete, don't you think you could calm down a little? Please.” His voice sounded so pathetic, pleading and desperate. 

“No.” Pete was stubborn. He had established clearly that he wasn't going to give in. “This is unforgivable.” 

“Isn't Ryan the one you should be angry at? Do you really think it's Brendon's fault?” 

“Of course it is. He knew full well that he was dating me, and although he could have stopped him from cheating on me at any point, he didn't, he must have encouraged it. Yes, I'm sure it was great for him. Not so great now, is it?” His words rang harsh and bitter, even through the phone. 

“Pete, please”, Josh said. “Nobody wants this drama.” 

“I do. And he deserves it. He signed up for this.” 

“You're being irrational.” 

“Irrational? Of course I'm being irrational, Josh, I fucking loved him and I lost him to this guy, don't you think I have the right to be irrational?” 

“I get that you're angry and I'm not saying it's not righteous, but this really isn't helpful right now, please realize.” And there he was, pleading again. “We have to think about the band -” 

“Is that contest all you care about?” 

“May I remind you, Pete, it was you who persuaded all of us to do this, you signed us up, and you were always the one who cared most.” 

“That was before Ryan -” 

“Yes, yes, I know”, Josh cut him off. “I know it didn't really go well. But don't you think we can just pull ourselves together for the next two weeks, practice, and make it through this stupid contest? You have to learn to deal with conflicts in life.” 

“Very wise words”, Pete scoffed. “Tell me, what kind of bad conflict have _you_ ever faced?” 

“This has really nothing to do with me.” Josh sighed. “Please, calm down and think about it.” 

Pete breathed in deeply, audibly. “Okay, here's the deal. I'm staying in the band, and I'll try to no kill Ryan, but you and Gabe have to support me against Brendon. You'll help me get back at him.” 

“What? Dude, that's fucked up. You just ruined his car. Isn't that enough?” 

“He's not just going to take it like that, he's going to seek revenge in some way, and you won't just leave me alone to solve the problem. You'll help me. Otherwise I'm out of the band and all the practice has been useless.” 

“Oh god.” Josh groaned. He really had no choice. “But what if he doesn't do anything at all?” 

“He will”, Pete stated. 

Let's just hope he was wrong. “Okay”, he sighed. 

“Oh, and don't tell Tyler about anything. He's way too close to Brendon. He's gonna tell him and ruin everything.” 

Josh looked at the two people watching him expectantly. He pressed the phone to his ear and turned his head slightly. Of course Tyler couldn't guess that they were talking about him, could he? “We don't really talk a lot recently”, he admitted quietly. 

“Makes it easier. Good. I'll call Gabe now, tell him that the band is continuing to exist and that there's practice tomorrow at five.” 

“Is there”, Josh said weakly. 

“Yes.” And with a beep of the phone, Pete was gone. 

Josh lowered his phone in defeat. 

“So?”, Brendon asked nervously. “Any chance of a truce?” 

“No. Not really.” He shook his head, avoiding the others' eyes. 

“Well, I guess it's my own fault”, Brendon sighed. “I'll have to deal with it. Thank you for trying.” 

“No problem”, Josh mumbled, but he still couldn't look at him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i corrected this in a hurry so i'm sorry for any spelling mistakes etc i may have overlooked, but i wanted to post today because i'm going on a one week vacation tomorrow, where i probably won't have access to the internet. have a good time everyone, use your break to relax and unwind and take care of yourselves!!

### XIII

For almost a week, it seemed like their peace wouldn't be disturbed at all. The band had scheduled three practices for that week, on Monday, on Thursday and on Friday. There was still a certain passive-aggressive undertone to every one of the rare words Pete directed at Ryan, but he didn't show any open hostility – perhaps because he, too, had realized that they had to work on their performance instead of brooding over personal conflicts. 

However, when Josh and Pete were having lunch together in the school cafeteria and Ryan walked in, holding hands with Brendon, Pete went visibly pale and got up immediately, leaving his unfinished burrito on the table. After the news of their affair had spread like wildfire over the weekend, there was no point in hiding any longer. Of course, there were curious glances and students staring whenever they showed their affection openly, but they had both learned to ignore those long ago. 

Josh spent increasingly much time at school with Gabe and Pete, mostly because he felt the need to support his friend after this nasty breakup. He almost forgot what Pete had done on Sunday and what he had made Josh promise, and he certainly forgave him because he could understand it. Pete had been upset and his behavior was excusable. 

In exchange, Josh rarely ever saw Tyler in the breaks now. They still drove to school together, and they were home together, but their conversations were rare, meaningless and punctured by long periods of silence. It was always Josh who initiated a conversation, never Tyler. He wasn't impolite anymore, he did respond to Josh's questions now, but he still refused to say what had caused this radical change in his behavior towards him. Sometimes Tyler disappeared without telling Josh where he was, which was something he would never have done before, and the mattress on the floor was in use every night now, as well as Josh's bed. 

From time to time, Josh saw Vicky in school. It didn't happen too often because she was a year younger and had a different circle of friends, but every now and then, they would pass each other in the hall or cafeteria. It always resulted in a few seconds of eye contact, a slightly awkward smile and a mumbled greeting, never more. Josh texted her to make sure that their date on Thursday was still standing, to which she said yes, she was looking forward to it. 

During band practice on Thursday after school, he kept forgetting rhythms and messing up patterns because he couldn't concentrate. His mind was already a few hours ahead of time. 

She had suggested to watch movies and said her parents weren't home. What exactly did that mean in dating terms? He wasn't used to this, he had too little experience with girls. Sometimes he wished he could just date boys because he thought their behavior would be easier for him to understand, he was less insecure around them, and there were less established dating rules; then again, he knew that the struggles gay people had to face were way worse than some confusion. And of course, he wasn't attracted to boys anyway. Of course not. Or was he? 

Before Josh left the school to go home, he approached Gabe. 

“Um, I have a question.” 

“Yes?” Gabe, on the way to his car, stopped and turned towards him. 

“I've heard that you and Vicky...” 

Upon the mention of her name Gabe flinched, barely noticably. “Me and Vicky what?” 

“That you were dating or something a while ago.” 

“Or something”, he said, sounding bitter. “Yeah, that's true. Why?” 

“Well, I have a date with her today. I'm sorry I forgot to ask you before, but is that okay with you? Because I really don't want to ruin our friendship. If it's a problem, I'll cancel it.” 

“No. Yes. No, it's okay, go ahead. Vicky and I, we're over, done, finito. It just didn't work. There's plenty of other hot girls out there, right? I've been enjoying that.” He laughed, looking unhappy. 

“Treat her well, will you?” 

“I'll try my best”, Josh said, smiling at him. 

***

As Vicky had said, her parents weren't at home. She invited Josh into the house. It was a roomy, modern building, with white walls and gleaming glass and metal surfaces everywhere. Not even the table was made of wood, but of glass that reflected the soft orange light entering the room through the large windows. The setting sun's color seemed inappropriately warm in contrast to the house's cool, almost clinical atmosphere. 

“I live down there in the basement”, Vicky informed him. “Let's go down, it's boring up here.” She took his hand and led him down the stairs. 

In the basement, it was darker. He accidentally stepped on a piece of fabric lying on the floor – a black shirt. One of the walls was painted bloody red, and all of them were covered in posters of various punk bands, in various states of damage. Some looked new, whereas a poster above her bed was so destroyed that it was barely possible to read the band's name. 

He studied them. “Nice taste in music.” 

“Thanks. My parents probably think I worship Satan down here whenever they're at home and I turn up the volume, but I don't give a fuck. They tried to make me go to church.” She laughed. “And they sent me to a therapist, who told me I had issues because of my parents neglecting me. Well. I stopped going there after three weeks.” 

“Oh”, Josh said, feeling slightly uncomfortable. 

“Whatever”, she concluded. “We were going to watch a movie, right? What do you want to watch?” 

“Um, I don't really know, you suggest something.” 

“Ever seen Donnie Darko? It's one of my all time favorites.” 

Donnie Darko was Tyler's favorite movie. They had seen it together at least three times, and he probably knew it by heart. “Yeah, I know it, but I'd like to watch it again.” 

“Great.” She sat down on her bed's black covers and turned on the TV, inviting him to sit down next to her. 

He tried to focus on the movie or on her because this was a date after all, but every other minute a line or picture from the movie made him think of Tyler's commentary some time they had watched it together, a joke he had made, and how always told Josh to shut up when he talked while they were watching, but could never keep his comments to himself. 

About ten minutes into the movie, Vicky leaned against him, her head on his shoulder. After a moment of consideration, Josh awkwardly put his arm around her waist. Her body was oddly shaped, somehow. It didn't feel quite right, it didn't fit together with his. That was probably just because he wasn't used to it, right? It didn't exactly feel bad, but it was strange. Unfamiliar. 

Now she was laughing at a part that wasn't even funny, not in his opinion at least.Tyler never laughed at it either. Josh found himself wishing he was at home and watching the movie with him instead. 

It wasn't that he suddenly disliked Vicky. She was still a nice, attractive girl, and at any other point in his past life Josh would never have dreamed of turning someone like her down. But it felt wrong today, and that feeling wasn't going to go away with rational arguments. He couldn't do it when he was constantly wishing she was someone else. 

When the movie was over, he could turned around to see her looking at him expectantly. “So...”, she said slowly, obviously waiting for him to make a move. 

Pretending not to notice her staring at his lips, he quickly said, “Sorry, um, but I have to go home now. I told my parents I'd be back at eight, and it's already half past seven, so, uh, I'm sorry, but...” 

Lies and excuses had never been his strength, but he had to go home now. Had to find Tyler and talk to him about his realization. 

Vicky looked just a little disappointed. “Oh, okay, well then... you know where the door is.” 

“Yeah.” He got up. When he was at the staircase that led up from the basement, he turned around once more. She was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. “I...”, he began, unsure what he wanted to tell her. 

“No, it's okay”, she said. 

“We can phone or text, right?” 

“Yes”, she said. They both knew that was never going to happen, but they had to say it to make the situation less uncomfortable. 

***

When Josh came home, however, he found an empty room and a note on the bed that said “I'm sleeping at Brendon's. Hope your date wasn't too bad.” 

He sat down on the bed, reading the two lines over and over again. Why hadn't Tyler told him? This was the first night he was sleeping out of the house. And why did it have to be today, right now? 

Another sharp, nagging thought came to his mind. Surely they weren't... but no, Brendon had Ryan. He couldn't imagine that, couldn't think of it. It was impossible. Wasn't it? 

That night, Josh didn't sleep too well. 

***

On the next day, he was for once the first to be at their room after school. He unlocked the door, entered and inhaled sharply. 

Oh, fuck. 

Steps were approaching the door. He turned around to see Pete. “Please don't freak out now”, Josh said, “but I think we might have a problem.” 

“What?” Pete pushed him out of the doorway impatiently. He stopped dead when he saw the room. “These motherfuckers”, he hissed. 

Now Ryan and Gabe were there too, arriving together from their literature class, and all of them stared at the chaos in the room, transfixed. Pages of sheet music were spread across the floor, and Pete's bass was lying there. Its neck was parted from the body, pieces of wood were missing, and the strings were broken. It was quite obviously damaged beyond repair. 

As if in a trance, Pete walked into the room and picked up the pieces. “He'll pay for that”, he whispered. “It's on, Urie, it's fucking on.” 

Josh immediately checked the drumset. Miraculously, it had survived the attack without any harm. Some of the drumsticks seemed to be missing, but that was comparably little damage. 

“Are your guitars okay?”, he asked Gabe and Ryan. 

“Yeah, we both had them with us”, Ryan said. “Pete is the only one who always locks it in the room before school.” 

“They knew that, they fucking knew”, Pete muttered. “How did they get in here?” 

In that moment, Josh realized. Apparently, the last twenty-four hours had been his day of realizing things, about Tyler specifically. He bit his lip, hesitating to say the words. “I think Tyler... he knew and did it with them. He slept at Brendon's last night. I'm guessing they all went to school early together and...” 

“Did you know about it? Did you give him your key to the room?”, Pete asked sharply. 

“What? No! Why the hell would I do that?” 

“You'd do anything for Tyler”, he simply said. 

“That's not...” Josh fell silent. Maybe it was true. Even now, even after all he had done. “But I didn't, really. Believe me.” After another moment of hesitation, he added, “We haven't been talking a lot lately, as I told you. He wouldn't have asked me, I suppose.” 

“What happened, why did the dream couple fall out?”, Gabe asked curiously. 

“Please, Gabe, we have more important matters now”, Ryan said, motioning towards the mess on the floor and the destroyed bass. 

“Yeah, Ryan, what about you? Did Brendon tell you about this?”, Pete jumped in. 

Ryan sighed. “Well. He did say he was going to get revenge for his car, but he didn't say what exactly he wanted to do, and I tried to tell him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. And to be honest, in my opinion it's just fair because the car thing was unnecessary...” 

“Oh, was it?”, Pete said, immediately flaring up. “If you think so, why don't you just quit and join them -” 

“Because you need me, and you know it”, Ryan said, looking weary. “Trust me, I'd be gone in the blink of an eye if I wasn't needed to keep this band alive.” 

“Anyway.” Pete cleared his throat. “This isn't going to go unpunished, and I'm not going to do this on my own. Y'all will help me think of something.” 

“Don't you think we should just let it go?”, Josh asked doubtfully. 

“Have you seen my bass? Do you really think I'll just not react to that and ignore it? They're fucking asking for it. And you'll help me. You promised, remember?” 

Shit. “Yes.” 

“I'm in!”, Gabe announced, sounding inappropriately cheerful. 

“I'm not, I can't plot against my own -” Fortunately, Ryan stopped himself before he could say “boyfriend”. 

“Well, we don't need your impractical writing and eyeliner skills anyway, but if you get in our way I swear there'll be consequences”, Pete told him harshly. “And Josh, if you warn Tyler or whatever...” 

“I won't.” Usually, Josh was opposed to the concepts of revenge and violence, but the thought that Tyler had known about and had probably been involved in the destruction of the room was still bothering him. Tyler didn't have anything to do with the original conflict, he wouldn't have needed to act at all. Him suddenly becoming violent like this didn't fit Josh's image of Tyler's personality. The thought that he couldn't trust Tyler anymore made him feel sick.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i am back i had a nice vacation and i will finish this fic in the next week, everything's already written, i just have to make some edits (which usually takes longer than the writing itself) and then post. we're nearing the end, i hope you had a good time reading so far and will enjoy the last chapters!!

### IX

“You can't tell me you didn't do it.” 

“I didn't, Josh, believe me! I didn't know they were going to do that.” 

“You slept at Brendon's house last night. Of course you knew about it. Why else would you have been there?” 

“No, it wasn't because of that. I had my reasons.” 

“Oh yes? And what reasons?” 

A minute-long silence. “Can we talk about this some other time?”, Tyler finally whispered. “It's late. I'm really tired now. I just want to sleep.” 

“That's because you have been avoiding me all day. I would've talked to you earlier. It's your own fault.” 

When he still got no answer, he said, “Stop lying to me, Tyler. I know that you knew about it. I never would've thought you'd do that, but well, now I know.” 

“I swear, it's not...” His voice trailed off with a sigh. “You're not going to believe me anyway, right?” 

“Probably not.” The evidence was too clear, and as long as he didn't offer any other explanations, Josh had to believe he was lying. As much as he hated the thought, it was the only logical conclusion. 

“Please”, Tyler began miserably. “Don't kick me out of your house for this. I don't know where else to go if I can't stay here.” 

Josh thought about it. He hadn't for a second considered throwing Tyler out, but now he mentioned it, it seemed to be an obvious consequence after betraying his trust like this. However... 

“No, you can stay here”, he said, just a little reluctantly. “We'll have to deal with that. Just please, never do something like that again.” 

“Josh, I really didn't -” 

“Yes, I've heard you. Good night.” 

“Good night.” 

***

When he woke up the next morning, on a Saturday, for a few moments everything seemed to be alright. The sun was shining through the window, illuminating the face of the boy sleeping on the floor, his best friend and the one that he loved maybe most of all people in the world, and they were going to have breakfast together and laugh and talk and spend the day together. 

With his full consciousness came the awareness and the memories, how Tyler had probably betrayed him and knowingly hurt his friends, and once again he became aware that he was sleeping on the floor and not in his bed, and he remembered that he had worn different shoes for a week, not the ones Josh had written his message on. 

But still, some of that golden mood stayed throughout breakfast. Both Josh and Tyler joked and talked with the family, pretending that everything was alright. Maybe if they pretended long enough, it would actually become reality. Josh would go to band practice today and instead of planning a revenge that was inevitably going to harm his friend, they would make music and the love songs would sound right again. He wished for it. 

However, he was completely brought back to reality after lunch when he found Tyler in his room surrounded by a pile of clothes on the floor, trying them on and dismissing styles. He was behaving exactly as Josh had before seeing Vicky. 

“What are you doing? Are you going out?”, Josh asked him, a dark premonition forming in the back of his mind. 

“Oh, um, I sort of... have a date”, Tyler explained, avoiding his eyes. 

Even though he had thought of it, the word made his chest contract painfully. Struggling to speak with a throat that suddenly felt choked up, he said, “Oh, that's... nice. Who is it? Do I know him?” 

“No, it's someone, uh, from a dating website.” A faint blush was creeping up Tyler's cheeks. “I know, you probably think online dating is weird, but you have no idea how hard it is to find someone as a boy who... you know. I can't just ask a guy out. It's not as easy as straight dating.” 

Online dating meant that there was still a fair chance they didn't like each other in real life. That happened all the time, didn't it? It was just a small relief, but Josh tried to hold on to the hope. “Oh. Okay. But please, take care of yourself. You never know with strangers from the internet.” 

“I'll try”, Tyler said unsurely. “We're meeting in the park, so there should be lots of people around us in case something happens. But I think it's going to be alright. I hope so, at least.” 

“So do I.” Or not. “Well then, good luck, I have to go, um, to band practice.” 

“Have fun.” 

Josh got into his car, drove a few streets away from home and parked it again. It had been a lie, he didn't have to go to practice until four p.m. and it wasn't even two yet, but he couldn't stand being there any longer, watching him get ready for a date with someone else, some guy whose face he didn't even know. The sharp pain in his chest, the cold sweat on his hands and the sickness in his stomach, was this what jealousy felt like? 

He pictured them, together at the park. His brain's cruelty set them in the exact spot where he had been sitting and singing with Tyler weeks ago, when everything had still been alright. Tyler was wearing other shoes now. 

If only he had never gone to that party, if only he had never kissed Vicky, maybe none of this would have happened. 

Josh turned on the car radio and tried to convince himself that everything wasn't lost. Hopefully, the date wouldn't go well and Tyler would feel as wrong as Josh had felt with Vicky, and he would to come home and Josh would tell him the truth. Yes, maybe he was going to do that, finally. 

***

“So, what are we going to do? Any ideas?” 

“We could just do the same thing they did to us”, Josh suggested, reluctantly. “But again, why don't we just let this go and -” 

“No, we've talked about this, Josh”, Pete said. 

“I have a bad feeling about it”, he insisted. 

“Nobody cares.” 

“I think that's boring”, Gabe chimed in. “We should do something different, something more fun.” 

“This is not a fucking game, Gabe!” 

“Why not?” 

“Because this is serious.” Pete inhaled deeply. “I thought it would be a good idea to do nothing over the week, make them think we've forgotten or forgiven -” He spit the last word out like a curse. “And concentrate on practice in the meantime. But then on Saturday right before the contest we attack. Something, something that makes it impossible for them to participate. Don't you think that's good?” 

“Yeah, sounds like a cool plan”, Gabe commented. “Maybe we could do something to someone's car so they won't be able to get there.” 

“I don't know shit about cars though, I have no idea how to do that”, Pete said. “Do you? I mean, even if we did the same thing I did to Brendon's car again, they'd still be able to drive, right?” 

Josh was feeling sick. Essentially, Tyler and his friends had done the same thing to them, and Tyler had stopped talking to him without any reason or explanation, after all that Josh had done for him, and now he was somewhere in the park with some date. Someone that wasn't Josh. Didn't they deserve it? Didn't he deserve it? 

Disgusted with himself, Josh said, “I know a way.” 

***

When Josh came home, he was alone. None of his siblings were there, neither were his parents. He remembered that they had said something about going to see his little brother's football game. The emptiness of his home was something he wasn't used to – even if his parents were gone, there was usually at least one of his siblings around, making noises, watching TV or playing music. In this silence, every little noise seemed magnified. The refridgerator suddenly gurgled, making him jump. 

Vicky must be used to this, he thought. She had hinted that her parents left her alone most of the time, and he didn't think that she had any siblings. Josh wondered what it did to a person to be all by themselves most of their youth. He was so lucky to have grown up in a caring, supportive environment, with his mostly nice siblings and parents that rarely ever argued. Not like Ryan, whose mother had left him and his alcoholic father alone. Not like Brendon, who had to fight for his dream career against his parents' will. 

Not like Tyler. 

When was he going to come home? 

Josh sighed. He sat down and began to practice his drum solo from one of their songs. Technically, he wasn't allowed to play the drums any more today, but he hoped that the neighbors were going to ignore it. He just needed something to fill the silence, and he needed a distraction to stop thinking about Tyler, which was hard to do when every thought he had eventually led up to him. 

The band hadn't been good today. Gabe kept forgetting the lyrics to most of their songs, he still didn't know them by heart, and Ryan got angrier every time he had to remind him of the right words because he felt personally offended when someone messed up his lyrics. The guitar parts didn't really work with the bassline and the drums. 

They weren't bad, they weren't going to embarrass themselves, no. But if they played like that, they were never, ever going to win against nine opponents. They had no idea how good any of them were, and eight weren't even from their school but complete strangers, but they were most likely better than them. 

After an hour or so, Josh put down his drumsticks. It was better not to annoy the neighbors any longer. A while ago, the Millers from next door had rang the doorbell just to yell at him and tell him not to disturb the street's quiet. It wasn't an event he would love to repeat. 

Instead, he began thinking about what he was going to say to Tyler when he came home. To make the silence less deafening, he turned on the TV in the living room – the Simpsons were on right now - and stared at it without actually taking in what he was seeing. Occasionally, he stood up and paced up and down the room. Too much was on his mind, it was too unsettling to stay still. 

Ultimately, he decided he was just going to say what he was thinking in the moment and let his emotions speak. It was time for truth. He had been lying to himself for too long, and some things needed to be said. 

The doorbell rang when it was already getting dark outside. For a split second, he wondered who it was, but his parents and siblings all had a key. There was only one person currently living in the house who didn't. He opened the door. 

“Hey, Josh”, Tyler said. 

“Hi, Tyler. Um.” The words were stuck in his throat. “I wanted to... um...” 

“Hi, Tyler. Um.” The words were stuck in his throat. “I wanted to... um...” 

In that moment, Tyler took off his jacket and turned his head just right for Josh to see the bruise on his neck. It hadn't been there before, when he had left for his date. 

“Did you say something?”, Tyler asked. 

Josh looked at the hickey, petrified. That meant... “No, I didn't say anything, forget it.” 

Captured by a sudden wave of pointless anger – at himself, at Tyler, at the world – he turned around without saying another word and slammed the door behind himself. 

***

Seven days later, on Saturday, Josh walked in on Tyler attempting to apply eyeliner in the bathroom. 

“Oh, hi”, Tyler said, sounding mildly embarrassed. “It's your sister's, but I asked her if I could borrow it.” 

“Oh. Good.” 

“For some reason, Brendon wants us all to wear eyeliner, but I've never done this before, which in retrospect probably was a – shit.” His hand had slipped and smeared black a few inches down his cheek. He cursed to himself and tried to wipe it off, only smudging the color and making it worse. “A mistake. I'm going to look like a panda. Or I'll just disobey and hope no one notices I'm not wearing any.” 

“Oh. Now you say it, I'm actually surprised neither Ryan nor Pete, our number one eyeliner freaks, didn't have that idea.” 

“Hmm”, Tyler replied vaguely. “Brendon's gonna come and pick me up in twenty minutes, I have to hurry up if I want to look okay.” 

“Did he get his car repaired yet?”, Josh asked, trying to sound innocent. As if he didn't know exactly which car Brendon was using today. 

“Nah, he's driving his father's one. More space for our instruments.” 

“Yeah, right. Ryan's gonna come here too, he's driving with me”, Josh said. “He doesn't have a car.” 

“Hmm.” 

In those five minutes, they had probably exchanged more words than in the entire past week. Both of them had been busy with practicing, their bands eager to make their performance as perfect as possible in the last days they had left. Even Gabe had finally grasped the seriousness of the situation and had actually managed to remember most of their songs. Sure, sometimes he mixed up lines or sang about towels instead of flowers, but no one was going to notice those mistakes, right? 

Another factor was that Josh had actively been avoiding Tyler as far as he was able to. The fact that they shared a room made it difficult sometimes, but both of them had rarely been there except for sleeping. One of the reasons was that Josh couldn't look Tyler in the eye while simultaneously planning a revenge that was going to ruin a great chance for him and his friends. The other reason was the thing that fueled Josh in making those plans and that made him overcome his bad conscience – it was the implication of the hickey on Tyler's neck that was fading excrutiatingly slowly. 

Josh never dared to ask how the date had been. He was scared of the answer, and the evidence spoke for itself. Of course it had been good. Of course his hopes were crushed, pointless. 

Five minutes before Ryan was supposed to be at his door, Josh had finally packed everything he needed. His clothes were all black, his pants made more of holes and rips than of actual fabric. He left the house with his bag over one shoulder and walked into the garage, just to discover that the place where his car was usually standing was empty. 

“Fuck”, he muttered to himself. Had someone used it and parked it somewhere else? Or had he himself done so and forgotten it? 

A quick check of the nearby street showed that it wasn't standing in any likely place. He ran back into the house and yelled, “Mom? Do you know where my car is?” 

“I think your brother borrowed it”, she answered, her voice indistinct through the kitchen door. 

“ _Fuck._ ” He thought for a second. “Can I borrow yours?” 

“No, sorry, I have to go grocery shopping later and then I'll need it to drive to _your_ concert, my dear.” 

“Can't you just take the bus or something, it's fucking important...” 

“First of all, not in that tone”, she reminded him through the door. “And secondly...” 

His attention, however, had already left her. He knew her well enough to tell that she wasn't going to give in. They needed to find another way. 

Josh saw Tyler at the door, talking to Brendon. He saw Ryan on the street, approaching his house. A number of thoughts rushed through his head at the same time. 

The plan. Their master plan. A hole in a tube, big enough to cause damage, small enough to take some time. They were never supposed to arrive there. But now, Josh not having a car, this changed everything. It looked like they had the choice: either all four of them were going to be there, or none of them. 

Josh made up his mind within seconds. 

“Hey guys”, he called. Brendon and Tyler turned around to him. “Could you two fit me and Ryan in your car? Apparently we don't have one.” 

Ryan was close enough to hear him now. He looked at Josh in mild shock. 

“I don't think there's enough space for you and your instruments”, Brendon said, hesitant. Clearly searching for excuses. 

Josh inhaled deeply. He hated himself for saying the words, but he had to do it. “If you don't take us with you, you'll never arrive there.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the last real chapter before the epilogue, i am very emotional and thank you for reading  
> oh, and please do not do that to anyone's car

### X

“What the fuck?” 

“We manipulated your car”, Josh confessed. “It'll stop driving after like... half an hour or something, I think.” 

“How? Wh- how did you even know which car I was going to use?”, Brendon asked. He seemed more confused than angry. 

Josh glanced at Ryan, who looked at the ground and blushed. 

“Ryan asked you and told us. And he stole the key to the car and brought it back to your house.” 

“I'm sorry”, Ryan said desperately. “They literally forced me -” 

“Yeah, yeah”, Brendon said, shrugging his betrayal off like a matter of no importance. “But _how_?” 

“There's a hole. In the tube for the cooling water”, Josh explained. “It's slowly running out, and after a while, the engine overheats and stops going.” Almost apologetically, he added, “My brother once made me do that to his ex's car, and I still remembered how it was done.” 

“D'you also know how to repair it?” 

“Yeah, you just need to know where the hole is and put some duct tape over it. And _please_ , we really need the car ride, I know it was a shitty thing to do and I'm sorry, but now it's either all four of us get there or no one.” 

“Why would we trust you now?”, Tyler asked sceptically. “You could just be making this up to get the ride.” 

“He's not”, Ryan jumped in. He looked at his boyfriend. “Brendon, really, I'm sorry I did this, but he's not lying.” 

Brendon's expression softened. “It's okay. Repair it, but for the love of god, hurry up, Josh, we don't have a lot of time.” 

***

Before they finished loading their stuff into the back of the car – unfortunately, it was quite small and with two guitars, a keyboard and an ukulele, the space was almost entirely taken up – Josh pulled Brendon aside. 

“I just wanted to tell you it's really not Ryan's fault”, he said. “You can be angry at me all you want, but please don't break up with him or something. We persuaded him. Or more like, blackmailed. He totally refused to do it at first because he didn't want to lie to you.” 

“It's okay, I'm not angry”, Brendon said. “Not really, at least. It's not like I was better. I did a lot of shit too.” 

Josh nodded. “All of it – this stupid war or whatever you want to call it - just kind of got out of hand.” 

“Yes”, Brendon said and hesitated. “There's also something you don't know.” 

“Huh?” 

“It's not really important, but... before any of this happened, I stole your sheet music from your room. I don't know if you even noticed. But me and Ryan were in the room and... I don't know, I took it impulsively when he wasn't looking. I just thought of creating an advantage for myself and our band.” He looked relieved after saying it. “I'm sorry. It's pretty irrelevant now, but I felt bad about it. And that's why I'm not angry, because I feel like we're even now.” 

“I'd actually forgotten that happened”, Josh said. He had just assumed it had been some sort of mistake by the caretaker or a cleaner without giving the matter a second thought. “Oh, that reminds me of something I've been wondering, how did you get a key to our room?” 

Brendon's cheeks reddened. “Back when we had to keep everything secret, Ryan made a copy of his key and gave it to me so we could meet there from time to time. Because, you know, neither my home nor his was really safe when there was someone around.” 

Everything made much more sense now. 

“Truce?”, Josh suggested. 

“Truce. I'm sorry we ended up like this.” 

“Me too. Good luck.” 

“Good luck to you too.” 

***

Ryan forced Tyler and Josh to sit in the backseat together because he wanted to sit next to Brendon. Josh put his bag on the seat between them, a silent wall. Someone turned on the radio. They started driving, a little faster than the speed limit in the city allowed, but they had already lost too much time. The atmosphere in the car was tense. Tyler kept fiddling with his jacket's zipper. Someone was tapping their foot nervously and humming along to the radio. 

“So”, Josh began, turning to Tyler. He couldn't bear the unanswered question anymore, he needed to know the truth, even if it was going to hurt. “How's it going with your internet guy?” 

For a few moments, Tyler didn't answer. The silence stretched on so long that Josh was about to repeat his question, when he finally said, “There's nothing going on.” 

“Oh”, Josh said, confused. “So your date wasn't good? I thought – you had that hickey, and...” 

“Yes, we went back to his place and made out and then... I stopped him. I couldn't do it. It was weird.” Tyler fell silent for seconds, looking like he was fighting with himself. Then he burst out, “Because of you. I kept thinking of you, and it felt weird and wrong because _he_ wasn't _you_ , and it's so annoying, now you're dating _her_ and I can't stand it. _That's_ why I didn't sleep at your house the night you had that date, not because I was involved in the destruction of your practice room. I was jealous, I couldn't stand seeing you happy with her. I want to get over it, I really do, but how am I supposed to do that when I have to see you every day?” He averted his eyes. The sudden outburst of anger had passed and he was quiet again. He buried his face in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. “Please forget that I ever said that. I'm sorry.” 

Josh briefly felt like all the air had been knocked out of his lungs. His heart was beating rapidly. “No”, he said. 

“What?” 

“I'm not going to ignore that.” He breathed in deeply. His hands were shaking and sweaty. “This is exactly why I stopped the thing with Vicky. I was thinking of you all the time. Like, we watched your favorite movie and I remembered all your comments and she felt strange next to me because I was used to you, and then I kind of realized that I wanted you to be that person, like... it was wrong because she wasn't you. I didn't realize that what I was looking for had been right there beside me all the time.” 

“I thought you were straight”, Tyler mumbled. “You said so.” 

“Yeah, I did, but well...” He grinned apologetically. “I guess I was wrong. I don't know. I'm probably bi or something, but details like that don't really matter right now. Or at all. What matters is that I'm...” He inhaled deeply to calm his quick pulse. “I think I'm in love with you.” 

“Why _the hell_ didn't you tell me earlier?” 

“When I had come to the realization I was actually going to tell you, but then you had that date and came back with the hickey and I thought you were... I'm sorry. I should've said it earlier.” 

“I'm sorry too.” Now Tyler was smiling. “Wow. I really, really didn't think that was ever going to happen.” 

“Me neither.” 

They looked at each other over thecar seat and the black bag that separated them, neither of them willing to break the eye contact. As if to match the situation, the radio began playing a slow, slightly corny lovesong. 

“Are we going to kiss now?”, Josh asked innocently. 

“Shut up, don't ruin the mood”, Tyler complained. 

“Go ahead, don't let our presence bother you”, Brendon yelled from the front seat. 

Josh flinched. He had actually forgotten that they weren't alone. Had the others overheard everything? 

“Well then, we won't.” Tyler giggled. He pushed Josh's bag out of the way and left his own seat to slide closer. “This is probably not legal or safe”, he commented. “I'm unbelted. If I die, it's your fault.” 

“You shut up now”, Josh said. 

Both of them leaned in at the same time, slightly bumping their noses together, which made them giggle again. For a few seconds, they remained still with their eyes locked, their nervous breath mingling. Josh softly traced the other boy's jawline with one finger. Tyler exhaled audibly, shaky. And finally, he closed the gap between them. 

They were kissing. At first, it was soft and warm. Tyler sighed against his lips. _Finally_. Then Josh pulled him closer, with one hand on his back and one in his hair, closer, but it was never close enough. He wanted to inhale his scent, take in his taste and keep it forever. The thoughts in his brain turned into a diffuse, indistinct fog of _want_. The world around them could as well have exploded, and he wouldn't have stopped kissing Tyler. 

It was nothing like any kiss he had ever had before, nothing. 

When they broke apart, both of them were breathless, dizzy and smiling stupidly. 

“Jesus Christ, get a room”, a voice came from the front of the car. 

Josh rolled his eyes, but he was unable to stop smiling. “Shut the fuck up, Ryan.” 

“Let's do it again, just to annoy him”, Tyler whispered. Josh laughed. How could he say no to that? 

In the brief moment before they kissed again, he heard Ryan say, “Gabe owes me twenty bucks now.” 

***

The building of the Academy for Pop and Rock Music was a plain, unspectacular gray cube. The four band members rushed through the corridors to find the room the desk clerk had assigned them for their thirty minutes of preparation before they had to go on stage. According to the schedule hanging on a black pin board, they were the second to play. Altogether, ten different bands were going to compete for the victory and the record deal that came with it. Once a year, the record label sponsored this competition, and every year, five bands from the academy itself and five independent bands were allowed to participate. 

As they walked through the building, past corridors of closed gray doors with different numbers and labels, Josh began to doubt that they had ever had a chance. This school's students were professional musicians in training, they dedicated all their time to making music while they were just an amateur band of high school students. 

Maybe signing up for this hadn't been a good idea. 

“Has any independent band ever won this?”, he asked Pete, who was looking unusually pale and sickly. “Or is it always the ones from this school?” 

“I don't know”, he answered. “But must have happened. Let's just try our best, right?” His optimism sounded fake and forced. 

Even though their preparation room, 305, was small and crammed, it looked more professional than any room they had ever played in. There was a drumset, of course – they had been told that the drummer didn't need to bring his own instrument. Anyway, Josh suddenly wished he could have used his own one because this one felt strange and unfamiliar. 

In their half hour, they tuned their instruments, played some difficult parts from the songs they were going to play, forced Gabe to go through the lyrics one more time, and tried to give each other the courage that none of them had. Today, for once, even Ryan refrained from his usual critical comments. 

After twenty-five minutes, they left the room to go downstairs, to where the stage was. At the door outside, they waited. Nobody spoke. There was nothing to be said anymore. Finally, a faint sound of applause was heard through the door and it opened to let a group of three people out. They entered the stage. 

The spotlights were burning bright and hot, too, but they didn't feel nearly as piercing as the eyes of their audience on them. Somewhere in there his parents were sitting, watching him, and somewhere there was also a number of jurors, professionals that were going to evaluate them and determine the winner. Josh tried not to look at them and focused on setting up the equipment with shaking hands instead. 

They had fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes, four songs to impress. They started playing. 

***

After their performance, they returned to the room where they had unpacked and prepared. While packing up their things again, they told each other that it had been okay, it had been good; of course, they hadn't been perfect, but it had been one of their better performances of the songs. Now all they could do was wait. 

While the others stayed behind, Josh went back and tried to sneak into the audience without attracting attention. He wanted to hear the other bands, firstly to find out how good they were, secondly because he really wanted to see and hear Tyler. 

From his seat in the back of the room, he could barely see anything when the next band went on stage, but he could hear them well enough. Even though they were one of the academy's bands, they weren't as good as he had feared – they weren't bad, they didn't mess up, but there was nothing special or particularly captivating about their performance. In his opinion, they were boring. 

Three others played. The first was good, very good; the second, an independent band, was horrible, and the third was okay again. Finally, the program announced _Milky Moon_. Josh smiled to himself, remembering how Tyler had once ranted to him about how much he hated the name and that he wanted to change it, but none of the other band members agreed with him. 

This was the first time he ever really heard them perform, and they were _good_.Their lyrics, Tyler's lyrics, created a strange magic that was supported and backed up by the music. Their way of performing, Brendon and Patrick's flawless vocals, a solid background from the instruments, all of it worked perfectly together to create an amazing show. They were incredibly good for a high school band. He had definitely not expected this. 

Therefore, it wasn't surprising when the results were announced. Josh's band was in the fifth place, which they shrugged off. Maybe they were better off this way. He didn't know if he would have been able to stand more time with their constant arguing – their band's breakup was inevitable and necessary. And well, fifth out of ten still wasn't bad. They certainly hadn't embarrassed themselves. 

Now there were only two competitors left on the stage. One of them was a band from the academy. Josh watched Tyler, saw him cringe at first and then start smiling widely as the presenter said, “In the first place, we have Milky Moon, consisting of Patrick Stump, Brendon Urie, Dallon Weekes, Spencer Smith, and Tyler Joseph. Congratulations.” 

The five of them walked on stage, all looking shocked and absolutely delighted. Patiently they listened as the presenter told them that they were going to receive a letter in the next week and that the label was going to have a personal interview with all of them to determine the conditions of the deal. The band members nodded and looked at each other with barely veiled enthusiasm. 

“A record deal! Can you believe I have a record deal?” Tyler couldn't stop grinning when he came off the stage. 

“I know. Ì know. It's incredible.” Josh hugged him close, and there were people watching, his mom was standing right there, but fuck it, fuck it all. He didn't care anymore. He kissed him. 

The first thing he heard when they parted again was his mom's voice. “I told you he was lying to me about being straight!”, she said triumphantly, presumably talking to his dad. 

Josh sighed, but Tyler just laughed and kissed him again briefly. “They would've found out anyway. Or weren't you planning on being my boyfriend officially?” 

“Your boyfriend? Let me think”, Josh said, acting pensive. “Maybe. You're pretty good at kissing. Yes, I think so.” 

“Cool”, Tyler said and smiled. “No homo?” 

“Full homo”, Josh replied, laughed and pulled him close again. The people around them could gape and gossip as much as they liked, it didn't matter as long as they had each other.


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before finishing, i want to thank a) my friend who kept motivating me through all of this, listening to me complaining all the time and telling me i'm not as terrible as i think i am, and b) everyone who left kudos or even commented, i appreciate all of you and honestly, you make me feel so much better. thank you!  
> and finally, i'd be thankful for any feedback, positive or negative, any constructive criticism that helps me improve and work on my mistakes. if you've got something you want to say, please don't hesitate to do so.

### Epilogue

“Thank you for helping me, really.” 

“Of course I'm helping you. I'm your boyfriend, have you forgotten?” Josh put down the heavy box they were carrying. “Stop smiling like that, dumbass, we've been dating for three months, it's not like that's news.” 

“You're smiling too. I just love hearing you say that, okay?” 

“What?” 

“ _Boyfriend_.” 

“I love being it”, Josh countered and laughed. 

“Remember when you were all no homo -”, Tyler said. 

“No, no, we don't talk about that.” 

They picked up another box together. It had “clothes” scrawled on it in black marker, and it was much lighter than the one with books in it. 

Josh sighed. “I'm going to miss you in my bed. No”, he said when Tyler immediately opened his mouth to make a suggestive comment. “That's _not_ what I meant, I mean sleeping next to you and waking up together and all that.” 

“No homo”, Tyler giggled. 

“I swear if you don't shut up now I will -” 

“What?”, he asked innocently. “Make me? Hey, stop staring at my lips and watch out or...” 

Josh tripped over a shoe that was lying on the floor. The box slipped out of his hands and fell to the floor. 

“That's what I meant”, Tyler commented. 

“I hate you.” 

“But anyway”, he continued, “what I wanted to say is that you can sleep here whenever you want.” 

“It won't be the same.” 

“And after your graduation we can get a place together. Or you'll move in here. We'll be together somehow for sure, and it's not even that long, the time will pass quickly.” After a second of thought, he added, “This place also has the advantage that there's no one watching us and we don't have to worry about being heard, because no offense, but your room's walls are thin as hell.” 

Josh considered this. “Yeah, true, good point.” 

They picked up the fallen box again to carry it up the stairs. 

“Have you heard about Gabe and Vicky?”, Tyler casually asked. 

“No, what about them? I don't really have a lot of contact to either of them anymore.” 

“They're dating again, apparently. Patrick said so today.” 

“Oh.” 

“I'm sorry, I didn't want you to feel bad about it or something.” 

“I'm not, really! I hope they'll be happy. I'm not jealous or anything, why would I be?” They walked down the stairs where the last two boxes were standing. While they picked up a “school stuff” one, Josh asked, “How's the recording going, anyway?” 

“It's good, it's really good”, Tyler said and smiled. “We're almost done. Today, our producer briefly tried to convince us to change the pronouns in _Alienation_ to female because she thinks the public won't appreciate a guy singing a lovesong to another guy, but after a while she gave in when I told her that the song is about my lovely boyfriend and I want everyone to know that and I don't give a fuck about the homophobic public. And besides, it's not like this song will ever be on the radio, anyway.” 

“Sounds like a nice guy, this boyfriend”, Josh said. 

“If I wasn't carrying this box I'd punch you now.” 

“I know, that's why – ouch!” 

“I feel like we're working together really well, though”, Tyler continued as if there had been no interruption. "I'm just a little scared of the editing and mixing thing because I don't know what they're going to do to my songs and I'm not sure we'll get a say in that or if the label is going to dictate all of it. But for now I'm just thankful I can pay for my life and finally be independent of my parents.” 

“Ah yes, that”, Josh said uncomfortably. “You know we have to go back to their house once more? Your closet is still there, we have to get it. Unless you want to buy a new one.” 

Tyler laughed. “I left my closet behind, in more than one sense.” His happy mood seemed to fade quickly, and he started looking gloomy. “Can we do that tomorrow? I don't know if I can face them again today.” 

Josh hated that expression on his face. He walked around the box they had put on the floor, hugged him close and kissed him, wanting to see him smile again. “Yes, of course. And besides, we have plans for today, remember?” 

“Do you really want us to go to pride?” Tyler spoke against his shoulder, his voice muffled, but Josh could tell that he was smiling. 

“Yes”, he said. “Gotta be proud of who we are, right?” 

“Can't we do that while staying inside?” He almost sounded like a child in his demands, but Josh thought it was incredibly cute. 

“No, we're not doing that. Come on, put on your war paint – I mean rainbow paint. We're showing it to the world today, right? Fuck your parents. And any other homophobes. It's the first pride parade for both of us, and we're going there together. Okay?” 

“Okay”, Tyler said, straightening up. “I hate you”, he added. 

“Shut up. You don't. I love you.” 

He sighed and smiled. “Yeah. You're right. I love you too.”


End file.
